Cookies 4 Breakfast?

He's so cute

2012-01-27T23:21:00.000-05:00

Imagine me patting my husband on the head and pinching his bum.

He's so cute when he discovers that there is major malware on our computer and doesn't do anything for two straight nights but try to discover and eradicate it. He's sitting at the computer with the biggest boner because he has the opportunity to use his skills.

Meanwhile, I am sitting here drinking wine, watching some good 'ol left-wing comedic political commentary-a-la Bill Maher and knitting. I don't agree with half of what he says, but damn! He does a good job saying it. Especially about the religious right. Those fuckers are crazy. Even when I was religious, I thought they were too much.

But I digress....

This post was about my cute husband and his obsession with our computer. How did I turn it into my opinion of crazy, right-wing religious fanatics? Meh, doesn't really matter. It's my blog, right?

Milestones

2012-01-01T21:19:00.000-05:00

Vivian finally went to kindergarten. At first glance, it's seen as a relief. Upon further inspection, I have discovered that my life is a little bit boring without that kid around. The fun part has been figuring out who I am without a kid stuck to my side. And by fun, I mean not fun.
Patricia got her learner's permit, and I got more gray hairs. Seriously. I'm not even joking. This is not an exaggeration. I have more gray hairs. Everywhere. Even in places that I never thought would get gray hairs. Yeah. THERE. Although, I am pretty sure those ones have nothing to do with my 16 year old daughter.
Trystan is taller than me. He weighs more than me too. And he has a manly voice. Where did my sweet little boy go?
Mimi's isn't much of a milestone, rather a brag. That girl is the most empathetic person I know. She is the kid who plays with the unpopular kids who have no one to play with at recess. She is the one who takes time to help the kid who can't read well to find a book in the school library that he is interested in. I see this every time I go to her school. Her teachers tell me whenever they get a chance. Most importantly, Mimi lets me know. At least once a week. Hey- It's a good thing to know what you're good at.
Mel retired after 20 years in the Army. And now for the brag: In November, he had a retirement ceremony where I got to hear about all of the amazing things he has done over the past six years in his job. That was cool. I learned some things I didn't know before. What the best part for me was standing in the receiving line and getting to talk to all of the people who he had touched, both professionally and personally. I have always known how great he is. To learn that I'm not the only person to feel that way about him was priceless. I'm looking forward to the next chapter in our lives.
Isn't it ironic that I saved myself for last? I got my first REAL brazilian wax. Remember this? Or part deux? Or part the third? It took just over two years for me to muster the courage to get it professionally done. It took 45 minutes. It hurt. My pussy was out of commission for two days. I'm going back on Wednesday for maintenance. (god help me)

Did you have any milestones in your life? If so, I hope it wasn't as painful as mine.

Pretty Excellent

2011-11-23T23:44:00.001-05:00

When I get random funny text messages from Brandi.
When Ariella comes over for a knitting date and brings food.
When Patricia wants to drive and Mel doesn't want to take her so she asks me to ask him to get stuff from the grocery store so she can drive because she knows he'll go if it's helpful to me.
When a new recipe tastes even better than I imagined.
When an old standby recipe that has never actually been written down still tastes good.
When I get to connect with someone about something completely different from what initially connected us because of what she discovered about me on my blog.
When my closet is cold enough to refrigerate my beers. (NOT awesome when I'm trying to get dressed)
When I wear my warm, soft hat all afternoon and into the evening. It's sooooooo warm.

Unexpected Surprise

2011-10-10T10:10:00.001-04:00

I went to the thrifty store the other day and bought an adorable jacket. I washed it, of course. And dried it, of course. The bonus came when I took it out of the dryer and found a $20 bill. Basically, I earned $15 by buying the jacket. Totally worth it.

I Need Love

2011-09-27T09:12:00.000-04:00

Have you ever been looking forward to an event for a long time and you build it up in your mind until it becomes so great and fantastic and unbelievably wonderful and amazing, only to discover that it's not really all 'dat?

Me neither

I am having the time of my life with all of my kids in school. It's like a party from 8:30 until 2:30(4:00)(4:30) every day around here.

not

I'm bored as fuck. I have nothing to do. Well, that's not totally correct. I can clean my house, but I'm not into 12-step programs. I thought I would do yoga every day, but I can't make myself get to class. I'm too lazy to workout on my own. I'm not even wasting hours of my life away on Facebook anymore because I don't understand it.

i need a friend

I need someone who will drag me out of this funk I'm in. I've done it for you mofos. It's your turn. If you don't I'll just continue not eating and get skinnier and skinnier and skinnier. Remember? I lose my appetite when I'm depressed. I eat when I'm happy. Here's your chance to fatten me up.

Sometimes the best ideas come from being an asshole

2011-09-16T19:18:00.001-04:00

That's how about 39% of my great ideas start. I'm just sitting around being an asshole, and then POW!! A brilliant idea comes into existence. It's like the Big Bang theory, only different.

I have some great ideas that come out of my benevolence and love for mankind. The sad truth is, they usually don't hold for too long. I'm not totally sure why. I probably should take that issue up with my therapist.

How do YOU find your inspiration?

what is a blessing?

2011-08-29T18:29:00.000-04:00

The east coast got hit by two natural disasters last week. Tuesday, Mimi's first day of school, it was an earthquake. It was the weirdest experience of my life. The whole earth shook. Literally. I felt like I was the only one standing still, and everything around me was moving. Because it was. Thankfully, no one was hurt (that I know of), and my children weren't scarred for life (at least not because of this experience). Were we blessed?

The second event was 'The Hurricane of the Century'. OK, it was a strong storm. People died, and there was widespread destruction. But that didn't happen here in my area. Here's my two or three problems about my local situation: 1. Certain acquaintances of mine panicking about the imminent danger of a hurricane. Those same certain people cautioning about 'being prepared'. Those same people passing along ~~panic~~ ~~warnings~~ admonitions to follow church leaders' counsel about EVERYTHING. They were obsessive and so eager to 'get' to use those 'skills' that they have prepared for. 2. Their dismissal of my advice about what they can expect as a result of the storm. Wind. Rain. Likely power outages. Your house isn't going to blow away. Your car isn't going to be washed down the river. I grew up here. I have been through a couple of hurricanes. It's a lot of hype here. You'll be fine. Srsly. And 3. Their disappointment that the storm wasn't worse. That they only lost power for 20 minutes, if at all. That they hadn't gotten the opportunity to bust out their 72-hour kits. 4. They were so blessed. BARF!

Ummmmmmm................told ya so?

What is a blessing anyway? I mean, really? Where do blessings come from? Who decides who gets blessed and who doesn't? Is it a lottery? Is there something a person can do in order to get blessings? Are there a finite number of blessings available to the world at any given time? Perhaps a triage of sorts? What is it called when people aren't 'blessed'? Cursed? Who deserves to be cursed?

Our house lost electricity for about 13 hours. I have friends who still have no power. Am I better? Or does someone just like me better? Or is it that I could only handle 13 hours and that's why I only had 13 hours without power? Does this blesser like me more than my friends or is it the other way around? Or does the blesser like the people who never lost power in the first place more because they weren't faced with any adversity? But doesn't the blesser give people adversity because he loves them? I'm confused.

The other thing that gets me, is that no matter what the outcome, the message is the same. If nothing terrible happens, then it's a blessing. If something terrible happens, it's a blessing because we heeded the warnings and were prepared. We're so much better than everyone else because we are blessed.

P.S. - Two weeks ago, I discovered Sam Adam's Cherry Wheat. Now THAT'S a blessing. I think I'll go bless myself now.

Why didn't I do this with the dog?

2011-07-15T12:04:00.000-04:00

Several weeks ago, Mimi asked me about getting another pet. A gerbil. Or two. After I ~~smacked her~~ laughed, I told her no. Whine, whine, beg, beg, plead, plead, plead. Still no. Then genius hit me. I suggested that she ask one of her friends who owns a gerbil if they are going on vacation this summer and need a pet sitter.

Last night, Mimi's friend dropped her gerbils off at our house for the next ten days. As I was clearing a space for them, I started thinking about how fucking genius I am. I mean, it's like we are borrowing her friend's pet. You can't just ask someone if you can borrow their pet so you can play with it for a week. People don't really DO that. But that's exactly what we are doing.

Then I realized what a fucking idiot I am for not thinking about this sooner. Like when we got our cat. Or our dog. Fuck! When we got our kids, for that matter. Why the hell didn't we borrow someone else's dog/cat/kids before we committed to taking them? Now that we have them, there's no going back. (not that we would if we could) (yeah, right) (not really) (ok, well, sometimes maybe)

But DAMN it's nice having a pet that the kids love and play with and take care for a week, and just when they start to lose interest we can give it back. Kind of the way grandparents must feel. Shit, I can't wait until I'm a grandparent.

Just in case you've missed it

2011-06-29T09:39:00.000-04:00

On the off-chance you aren't my Facebook friend and haven't already been inundated with pictures of my sexy bald head, I thought I'd post it for you. My ego is already the size of Texas because of all of the compliments I've gotten so far, so don't feel compelled to tell me how beautiful I am.

I'm the one on the left

And, if we aren't Facebook friends, why not? You must be pretty fantastic if you still read this blog, so why not take our relationship to the next level? Shoot me an email.

Happy Father's day

2011-06-19T12:35:00.000-04:00

I don't have one of my own. That's ok. Don't be sad for me.

What I do have is a great husband who is an even greater dad.

I'm glad that my kids have something I never had.

I love him.

wait...what?

2011-06-15T11:41:00.000-04:00

So, she wants me to go to the grocery store, but she doesn't want to go with me. She knows how much I loathe that place. Duh, if I enjoyed going there, we'd have groceries. And? Did I mention that she wants me to go NOW? Yeah, not when I finish what I'M doing. Now. Or like, in 15 minutes, K? Not K.

"Can you make a list?"

"..."

"Will you plan out some meals to cook?"

"..."

I'm in the other room helping the younger girls clean their room. It's very muchly needed. Muchly. I'm getting tired of Vivian whining about cleaning up HER mess. I'm not whining. I'm cleaning a messy room that I only enter to tuck-in or read-to. Oh yeah, and I occasionally have the chance to vacuum in there. If the floor isn't covered in kidcrap. So, the last thing I need is to go run errands. I need to finish this task.

But I'm on the computer now. I've done a respectable amount of work in the girl's room (Is the apostrophe in the right place?). I'm taking a break now. To vent.

I have such a hard time getting tasks completed around here. My kids are to blame. No they're not. That's too easy. It's me. Distractions. Clutter. It's hard to focus on one task long enough to get it finished. If I shut everything out/don't talk to anyone/kick the kids out of the house/listen to the iPod/drink tons of caffeine/make the TV babysit the kids I can get it done.

Thanks for still reading this blog. You mofos are great. I need to get off of here and crack ~~some skulls~~ the whip.

So much fun for us

2011-06-07T08:45:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, I spent $80 on a one-wheeled bike. I guess technically, it's not a BIke. Is it? inequity I guess it's more like a half-bike. But not really half, because it has pedals and handlebars. Only the handlebars aren't for steering. They are only for holding on. Do you have a good visual yet?

NO?

I wish I could have gotten a picture of us on it, because I'm pretty sure we looked AMAZING on it.

Vivian and I.

I bought a tandem bike trailer. It attaches to my seat post. Two people riding a bike with three wheels. Shit. I guess that makes it a TRIke, huh? inequity?

The awesome part wasn't how we looked. The awesome part was how we cooperated, learned, and trusted each other. That was the best part EVER!

When we first started out, we were so wobbly. I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to handle the bike (trike) with both of us on it. I didn't feel very confident, and we only pushed along at 6 or so miles per hour. I'm not sure Viv wanted to go too fast either, because I think I did all the work. For the first half of our ride.

After we took a break and turned around, something clicked for us. We started off so smoothly, I almost forgot that we were connected. Before I knew it, we were speeding along at 13+ MPH. No wobbles. No shakes. No hesitation. She even 'made' me cruise so she could push us along.

We only did 6 miles yesterday on the B&A trail. From one end to the other, it's 15.5 miles. I love riding my bike, and so does Viv. I'm pretty sure I know what we are going to be doing much more of. As I'm writing this, she's asking if we can go back today. I wouldn't be surprised if we biked from one end to the other and back this summer.

Turkey Sandwich

2011-05-18T08:03:00.000-04:00

Lame. I know.

Rated R

2011-04-25T09:14:00.001-04:00

Contrary to popular belief, an 'R' rating doesn't mean something is inappropriate, bad, or unsuitable.

Though, I guess it depends who you ask.

No more procrastination

2011-04-22T08:58:00.000-04:00

I don't know why I do it to myself. I can see how much coffee is left in the container. I can tell that it's running low. I know how much goes into the coffee maker to make the perfectly brewed two huge cups/three regular size cups of coffee. Yesterday, I knew that there wasn't enough in the container for today's coffee. So, why didn't I get more while I was out yesterday?

Is it because I like to live on the edge and scrape the last coffee grounds out of the cracks of the container in hopes of filling the basket with enough to make that perfect cup? No. It's not like 6 coffee grounds is going to make ANY difference.

Is it because I like to drink weak coffee? Because I don't. I'd rather drink nothing. Weak coffee makes me angry, enraged, offended. Why do I have such a strong reaction to weak coffee? I think I might need to explore this, perhaps with a therapist.

Maybe it's the lord's way of telling me not to drink coffee in the first place. Naaah, you mofos know I don't believe that shit.

I guess it's because I'm a crazy procrastinator who really wants good, expensive, Ethiopian coffee and hasn't been to the fancy-schmansy coffee shop to get it. I guess today's the day. Because I'd rather HAVE coffee than NOT HAVE any.

You know what it's like when you start to watch a show and you really like and then you find out that there's five seasons that you can watch all at once?

2011-04-11T09:22:00.000-04:00

That's how I feel about my new favorite podcast, Skeptoid . There are over 250 episodes to listen to. I feel like I just hit the jackpot.

Have you ever listened to it? You should. Especially if you're one of those people who forwards emails about the newest computer virus that is threatening to destroy the earth,or if you forward those dumb chain letters that claim that Bill Gates is going to pay for your college education if you add your name to the bottom of the list and forward the message to 80 of your closest friends, or if you repost those stupid 'awareness' status messages on facebook. I could go on forever. You get the picture.

Skeptoid takes a critical look at everyday issues. The host, Brian Dunning, examines these things from a scientific point of view and explains to the average person (the non-scientist) how to evaluate the facts and determine for yourself if the claim is true or not.

I have only listened to the first 20 episodes. They are pretty short. Most of them are under 10 minutes. If you don't want to listen to it, you can read it on the website. I like his dry sense of humor, so I prefer to listen. Here are a few that I've enjoyed so far:

Wheatgrass Juice

Killing Bigfoot with Bad Science

Religion as a Moral Center

Cell Phones on Airplanes

What do you think about it?
What are YOU skeptical about?

She's 10

2011-04-08T11:47:00.000-04:00

I now have three kids in double digits. Mimi, my sweet girl, is 10 today. Let me give you just one example of how special this kid is:

She has a child in her class who has autism. He is on a strict gluten/dairy/soy free diet. Whenever we volunteer to bring a snack for any classroom function, she always considers him. Today, instead of cupcakes, she chose to bring in a treat to celebrate her birthday that he can have also. She didn't want him to feel left out.

She's always doing such thoughtful things for other people. I love her.

Have you ever eaten Ethiopian food before?

2011-04-03T21:29:00.000-04:00

You already know who these people are. My boobs look pretty good in this picture, don't they?

My handsome brother and his beautiful girlfriend. We got her hooked on this delicious food.

Mel and I shared this huge plate of yummy food.

Cheeeeeese!

The Prodigal Child: Yes, you really can come back home.

2011-03-30T14:01:00.000-04:00

For the past two years, I have been personal trainer to the stars. OK, maybe they aren't REAL stars, but they did come from L.A. And they were MY stars. I have been an excellent trainer for not-so-excellent pay. I didn't mind because:

I was learning on the job and for a little while, I wasn't really that good.
I loved it!
I loved the people I trained.
I had great coworkers.
I had complete schedule flexibility and autonomy.

I was pretty comfortable with my cheese. It tasted good, and was easy to find. On Monday, someone moved my cheese. Admittedly, the supply had started smelling weird. It was starting to spoil, and it didn't taste as good as it used to. As a result, I cut back my consumption of the L.A. Cheese. I shouldn't have been surprised when the Big Cheese boss over at L.A. Cheese told me that I was being cut.

Over the past several weeks, I had been thinking about a different kind of cheese altogether. I even recommended this different brand of cheese to some of my fellow L.A. Cheese consumers. Today, I went back to the place that taught me to enjoy cheese, New Cheese. I have always had an affinity for this type of cheese. Even when I was getting my cheese at L.A. Cheese, I missed the cheesy times I had at New Cheese. The wonderful Cheese bosses over at New Cheese welcomed me back with open arms.

The best thing is that I am going to be getting MORE MONEY!!! Another best thing is that I am going to be working with one of my favorite people. Another best thing is that I have a place to train my old stars if they decide they don't want to keep going to L.A. Cheese. I hope to see my old stars at New Cheese. AND I will have new stars. I can't have too many stars in my life.

Who moved my 'got damn cheese?

2011-03-28T21:34:00.000-04:00

A change is on the horizon. I only wish I was ahead of it instead of trying to figure out how to work around it. Dammit, change sucks when you're comfortable with the status quo.

As Haw says, "Smell the cheese often, so you know when it's getting old." As I look back, I can see that the cheese was getting old. I can also see that piece by piece, it was getting smaller and less satisfying. It's time to look for the cheese somewhere else. It's time to let go of the old cheese and enjoy the taste of new cheese.

How is YOUR cheese holding up? What IS your 'cheese'?

Takin' My Cookies Back

2011-03-24T02:51:00.000-04:00

I text all amazed

2011-03-15T14:38:00.000-04:00

Am I the last one to find out that you can send a text message to donate money to help with relief efforts in Japan? It's so easy. It takes a couple minutes, and the charges just show up on your cell phone bill.

Everyone texts. At least, everyone I know. And if you don't, here's your chance to start.

So, here is your invitation to donate $10. Pick a charity.

I'll wait a minute while you complete your transaction.

.......

Ok, that was easy, wasn't it? Now for the fun part. Leave a comment and let me know that you donated. Of course, I have no way to verify that you actually did it. You could be a big, fat, liar for all I know. But, I will randomly pick one person and give away a homemade knitted cotton market bag.

What's wrong with this picture?

2011-02-26T22:17:00.000-05:00

It was windy on Friday. I don't know how windy because I don't have the technology available at my house to measure wind gusts. Let's just go with very.

I want you smart mofos to look at the picture below.

Do you see anything wrong with the picture? Look harder. See it? Keeeeep lookin'.

MmmmHmmmm....yep. Look at the left side of the picture. See how there's an empty space above where the cars are? Now look to the right. All the way to the right. See the trampoline? Yeah, the big motherfuckin' tramp? It's trying to escape. It's headed down the driveway.

See? It didn't have much farther to go before it headed off across the street.

This is the same tramp that Mimi fell off of and broke her arm several weeks ago. She wasn't even jumping on it. She was trying to zip up the 'safety' net. I'm beginning to think that maybe she was thrown off. By a possessed demon tramp. And now it feels guilty for hurting a kid, and it's trying to run away. Don't run away silly tramp.

We like jumping on you. Well, not we. They do. The kids. I don't like jumping on you because you make me piss my pants. EVERY TIME I JUMP ON YOU. Even when I take precautionary measures like peeing before I jump, I still pee. By the third jump, I have to get off and change my pants. My kids don't know this bit of information. They just think I am afraid of the tramp. I tell them I don't like to jump on it. I feel sad when I say that because it's a LIE. Who doesn't like jumping on a tramp? If it weren't for the pissing, I'd be on that bitch every day.

Well, I guess my secret's out. Patricia reads this blog. Now she knows I'm a pisser. Please don't tell the other kids. Or I'll post a link to your awkward picture post on your FB wall. Mmmmkay?

It's a hug!

2011-02-17T10:40:00.000-05:00

I've been sick since Monday. Coughing, sniffling, and achy. Oh! How I ache! I can't drive because it hurts my hands to grip the steering wheel. I also can't focus on the road because focusing makes me want to close my eyes and sleep. My joints don't hurt too much as long as I stay on ibuprofen. I forgot to take it yesterday because I felt good when I woke up. By lunchtime, I was almost in tears because every joint in my body ached.

Needless to say, I'm a pretty boring mom this week. Vivian and I were getting some snacks to take downstairs to eat while we waste hours on the couch, when I asked her to give me something.

Puzzled, she asked, "What?"

I promptly replied, "It's big, and warm, and-"

"A HUG!! IT'S A HUG!!"

"Yes dear, it's a hug. That's what I'd like you to give me."

"You got it mom!"

And I mustered the energy to hold her in a full-body legs wrapped around me hug. She's the greatest!

What I found on my bathroom mirror this morning

2011-02-14T11:24:00.000-05:00

He's so romantic.

Listen to the Bishop

2011-02-07T11:26:00.000-05:00

Here's another excellent podcast from the mofos at Mormon Expression. Never listened before? It's ok. You won't catch cooties.

Know what's funny? I'm more interested in Mormon things now that I don't believe than I ever was as a believer. I think it's because of the insightful, thought-provoking discussions they have and the interesting people they interview.

Why are you still here? Get 'ta steppin'.

watch what happens

2011-02-02T13:33:00.000-05:00

I haven't been blogging much because I've been busy doing shit and going places and seeing shit. That, and, I need a new laptop because mine suddenly decided that it wasn't going to do the internet anymore.WTF?!? What good is a stupid computer if it doesn't DO the internet? So, I'm chained to the desktop that's in the middle of EVERYTHING so everyfuckinone in my family can see what I'm up to. I like to blog in secret, so I haven't had much opportunity. And it's cold in my house where the desktop it. You mofos know how I feel about being cold.

But most of all, I haven't had much to say. I'm just plodding along in my life, doing things that bring me happiness, but aren't necessarily worth mentioning to all of you people.

Happy G-hog Day!

What a Shame

2011-01-17T21:55:00.000-05:00

It's so bad, it's good? It has the potential to be a good show after the first few shock episodes are through. Anyone else have Showtime? Have you seen it? What do YOU think?

Forget the plugs

2011-01-11T17:10:00.000-05:00

After little bit of reflection, I decided that I acted hastily this morning by running out and buying $50 worth of cooter plugs. I returned all but one box. I'm taking the money and buying a diva cup. I'll let you know how it works in 26 days.

Who Moved My Tampons?

2011-01-11T12:13:00.000-05:00

I'm panicking a little bit. Last night, after some research I discovered that the one true tampon is no longer available. They say it's only temporary, but I don't 'truss it. I have noticed that for the past couple periods that I haven't been able to find the gigantic super plus monster tampons they sell. I didn't think too much about it because I had plenty. I only used those elephant 'pons on the first day or two when I was hemorrhaging.

Two days ago, I used my last one. "No problema," I thought to myself. "I'll just get more today at the grocery store." I wasn't totally surprised that the commissary was completely out. They do that often. So, I went to Rite Aid last night. They only had regular 'pons. Checked Safeway. Same story. I was annoyed Actually, I was pissed. There are a few things you don't deny a woman while she's on the rag. Tampons is one of them.

To top it all off, I had to deal with Vivian's shit (literally) when I got home. So, after the shit, I did a 'lil investigative journalism to get the lowdown on the mystery of the disappearing 'pons.

This

And this

That's why I went back to Rite Aid today and did this:

I bought $47.94 worth of plugs. That's 240 little tubes of absorbent cotton with cute little greenish-blue strings. I HAVE A YEAR'S SUPPLY OF COOTER PLUGS!!!! Maybe even two years!! What a good Mormon I am!

But they're just regular absorbency. Anyone wanna sell me a few ultras?

Another passive aggressive post from yours truly - updated

2011-01-08T13:27:00.001-05:00

I am not the first one to complain about people on Facebook. I know I won't be the last one either. However, today, there are waaay too many infractions on there for me to NOT say something.

Continuous prayer requests from the same person about the same thing with an at least three-times-a-day update about their situation. Ok. I get it- you and your family are sick. You got the flu/cold the other day. First it was one kid, next it was the entire family. Shit happens. People get sick. It's a virus. It must run its course. I'm sorry to be the one to break it to you, but no amount of prayers or pleads for prayers will help you. God has more important things to worry about like curing cancer. He doesn't have time to worry about you and your cold.
Twitter updates. I'm not just talking about the occasional, "OMG I just saw Justin Beiber at the mall!" That's fine. What I am talking about is a ton of broken, unintelligible spurts of random information that I can't understand that take up so much space on my news feed that I can't see anything else on the small screen of my iPhone but your stupid twitter updates.
Your entire agenda for the day. This is the attention seeking individual who overachieves and then brags about it constantly in order to boost her self esteem. Why do people play into it? People fail to realize that by commenting about how amazing they are or how they admire their ability to do so much, they are only encouraging more bad behavior.
Quotations by other people. Yeah, they are inspirational/witty, but that's all you have to say? Don't you have your own thoughts? I am your friend because I care what YOU have to say, not what some ancient philsopher, celebrity, or author has to say.
** Sports play by plays. Just watch the fuckin' game and get off the damn blackberry. No one really wants to see your commentary about a stupid football game. If I wanted to know what's going on, I'd be watching the game. I'm not and I don't.

And yeah, I realize that my blog is little more than a glorified Facebook status. Whatever. Kiss my ass.

Realization

2011-01-04T09:49:00.000-05:00

Ya know when you watch a movie or tv show and there is a team of two or more people and the 'leader'* is very controlling and doesn't take the advice of the other people in the group, even if it's a good idea. But then the 'leader' ends up taking their advice, but only after he twists things around like it was his idea in the first place?

I was thinking about that today as I was vacuuming my house. (I do my best thinking while vacuuming.) I came to the realization that the 'leader' does that because he doesn't respect the people on his team. He doesn't have the confidence in himself to say, "Great point. Let's do that." He feels that by recognizing the other members' contribution, he diminishes his position as the superior member in the group. What he doesn't realize is that he is doing just the opposite. By not acknowledging the valid points of the members, he just makes himself look silly and inferior. Especially when he is called out on it.

My challenge to you is to be more humble. If someone does something well, tell them. If they do it better than you, tell them. If they have a good idea, tell them. If their idea is better than yours, make sure you let them know. It's by encouraging the people around us to be better that we become better. How else could I be as awesome as I am? I'm surrounded by people that are far more awesomer than myself.

*self-proclaimed leader

I had to share this

2011-01-01T22:37:00.002-05:00

I saw this guy tonight on HBO. Sorry Christians.

Awkward!!

2010-12-30T14:44:00.001-05:00

From the Minnick family archives.

Christmas with the step family

2010-12-27T09:36:00.000-05:00

It was pretty great.

How was your Christmas?

I pretty much hate X-mas music

2010-12-21T15:57:00.000-05:00

However, Vivian loves it. And if I don't play it in the car, she will sing the same lines from the same songs over and over and over and over and over. I figure that it's more pleasant to have music to go with the words, so we listen to it in the car. Today, I heard this song for the first time ever. It was so clever and entertaining, I had to share it with you.

The feeling I got from the song is how we are all so crazed and jumbled at this time of the year. Everything seems to blend all together. The shopping, decorating, baking, partying, cooking, traveling, entertaining, all seems to smoosh together and create a hectic frenzy. Then December 25th dawns, the presents are opened, the meal is eaten, and it's over. Just like that. All that craziness for what? More stuff.

Don't get me wrong, I like stuff. I like shopping and getting presents. I like having a reason to make gifts for people I love. But I don't like the hoopla that goes along with it. That's all.

Wow. I wrote a whole post without cussing. Or mentioning my awesome ass. Shit! I just cussed. Twice. Oh well, nobody's perfect. I hope Santa will still bring me lots of presents this year.

'Tis the season

2010-12-16T16:28:00.001-05:00

It's no secret that I'm celebrating this stupid Christmas without my best friend/sister. Yeah, it's fucked up. I've pretty much come to the conclusion that what's done is done. And even though I do think it's for the best that we aren't friends anymore, it sucks that I don't have anyone to laugh with about the stupid jokes that only the two of us know. The holidays always brought out the best and funniest in us.

So, in the interest of invading your privacy and talking about you on my blog, I have complied a small list of funnies that we have shared over the years that relate to a certain weekend that we spent with a certain other friend during this time of the year about 10 years ago. I know you read this thing just about every night, so I'm going to give you something to read that will hopefully make you smile.

MERRY FUCKIN' CHRISTMAS
super shitter
uh-no (unworded version of 'I don't know')

I thought there were more, but I think that's it. One more thing - Don't overdo it this year. Take it easy and enjoy yourself. Oh yeah, and I'm the one involved with santa's shit shop this year. Lucky me.

I love our memories.

Being John Malkovich

2010-12-13T09:38:00.000-05:00

Have you people ever seen this movie? I watched it last night. And by watched it, I mean that I was in and out of the room where it was on TV while I was doing other things. It was confusing, slightly boring, and amusing all at the same time. I didn't watch the end of the movie, but I read up on it, and I think I want to watch it again but this time maybe I'll give it more attention. Should I?

Two things:

Please explain this movie to me.
If you could live anyone else's life, who would it be? Why?

Are the Greek gods really any different?

2010-12-09T08:35:00.001-05:00

So, the other night, I was watching Clash of the Titians. (don't judge me) While I was watching it, I realized that those multiple gods are the same as the one god that Christians believe in now. They were very involved (interfered) in the lives of the people of ancient Greece. They routinely came down from their holy Mount Olympus to mingle with humans. The humans both feared, and adored their gods. Much of what they did was done to please the gods. Here is my shitty analysis of the most 'popular' gods and goddesses.

Thanks to the all-knowing Wikipedia

Athena - She was the goddess of wisdom, warfare, strategy, heroic endeavour. Maybe she was the one who helped the stripling warriors.

Demeter - Goddess of fertility, agriculture, horticulture, grain and harvest. How many stories of people praying to god for a good harvest? Or rain? Maybe it was Demeter who helped them. You don't know.

Eros - He was the god of love, sexual intercourse, cupids, desire and pleasure. Years ago, when Vivian was a baby, I didn't want to have sex. Go figure. One night, I prayed to HF for him to help me feel sexy toward my husband and help me enjoy sex. It worked. But perhaps I have Eros to thank.

Hera - Queen of Heaven and goddess of marriage, women, childbirth, heirs, kings and empires. Well, fuck me! There's our Mother in Heaven! So, when I prayed about having the fourth kid, it was Hera who made me feel all warm and fuzzy about it. Thank Goddess!

Poseidon - God of the sea, rivers, floods, droughts, earthquakes and horses; known as the "Earth Shaker" or "Storm Bringer". Hmmmmmmm... Perhaps Noah was 'in' with Poseidon and that's why he built the arc and survived the flood (conspiracy theory). Maybe Jesus was Poseidon in disguise. I mean, he was able to walk on water. His apostles were fishermen. He caused terrible earthquakes when he died.

I just threw this post together in 30 minutes before I have to go to work. Please fill in where I may have left off. Which one do you identify with most?

May Hermes deliver me safely to and from my home today.

Are you finished Christmas shopping?

2010-12-07T16:36:00.001-05:00

Yeah? Well, up yours!

Portugal is taking over the world

2010-12-01T22:06:00.000-05:00

...or at least my next blog. I clicked about 7 times and got artsy-fartsy Portuguese blogs. Nothing against the Portuguese - I am of Portuguese-colonized African origin. My maiden name is Portuguese. However, I don't speak it. I can read it I guess because I'm pretty fluent en espanol. And espanish is like portuguesish. At least it's not the Christians who are attacking me like they did last time. I couldn't handle that shit again. But you know, according to someone who is highly (not) respected in the blogworld, I am actually very much a Christian!

So, which one is better, being attacked by your ancestors? or being attacked by your peers?

Can't we all just get along?

Thanksgiving Eve

2010-11-24T18:04:00.001-05:00

We cooked pies. Well, Mimi cooked some pies. She baked a pecan pie and a pumpkin pie.

Trystan baked the apple pie and made the cranberry sauce. Delicious!

Patty is cooking the sweet potatoes to make sweet potato balls tomorrow. She's hard at work while they are baking.

I made gluten free bread. And it looks pretty pathetic. Good thing it tastes fine. I'll be turning it into stuffing tomorrow.

Mel came home to rearrange beds for our guests. His uncle, aunt, and grandmother are coming to our house this year. Everyone is so excited. Especially Mel.

The best thing is that tonight we get homemade Mexican food. From real mexicans. It's going to be great!

Anyone else with me?

2010-11-21T19:49:00.000-05:00

Am I the only one who has the entire 16 digit credit card number memorized? My husband was a little disturbed that I know it by heart. I really only use one card, I didn't plan to memorize it. I just did. I can't help it if I'm brilliant. Maybe I'm a savant. And I didn't even know it!

Probably not.

Oh! I added a new link to my blogroll. Lojo is an long time friend. She's cool and thinks I'm bitchin'.

Read this blog post too (it's 'safe'). I think I will define God as she does. Maybe I'll expound upon that on the other blog.

i haven't completely disappeared from here

2010-11-14T14:52:00.000-05:00

I still come to my own blog so I can see my blogroll. I can't get it to keep me up-to-date on my links from the other one. I don't care enough to figure it out, so I'm going to still keep this one active.

Don't expect anything too interesting here though. I think I'm mostly still posting so you mofos who haven't gotten the new blog address will know that I'm still alive and that you should check that one instead. If you never check this one again, you probably won't miss much.

I'm about to compose a sex and masturbation post inspired by someone on my blogroll. See ya!

Is anyone here?

2010-11-11T15:47:00.000-05:00

Do any of you still read this one? I know it's much prettier than the new one, but there's really not much going on here. You should head over to the new one. What? What did you say? You don't know where to go? Just shoot me an email. I'll direct you to the right place. Cool? Cool.

See you mofos later!

And the Winner Is...

2010-11-10T07:27:00.000-05:00

Go to the new blog to find out.

Our family's latest obsessions

2010-11-09T08:59:00.000-05:00

If you have the opportunity to play this game, you must. It's crazy and addictive. And silly. And we all love it!

We are also into this game. Killer Bunnies. It's a card game where you try to kill your opponents bunnies and do some other stuff and it's fun and silly. Believe me.

Tomorrow is the last day to enter the contest.

why it's great to have impulsive friends who use you

2010-11-07T12:31:00.002-05:00

I am here on Sunday afternoon in my quiet house. I just finished doing some much needed housework. I enjoy doing housework when I can be alone in my own thoughts and accomplish a task without having to manage any 'helpers'. I'm tidying up around here for some unexpected guests.

I got a call at 10:00 last night. She wanted to know if she could stop by my house on her way home from Philly to have lunch. Of course you can!! I'd love to see you!! After I realized that I'd have to make something, I started to have second thoughts. UHHHH, no, sorry. I think I'm going to be at church. Without skipping a beat, she told me that she'd need at least five signatures that I actually went to church and stayed for the whole three hours. That was the only way I was going to get out of cooking for her. 'Nuff said.

I got out of bed so we could plan lunch.

Oh yeah, only three more days until you can win the ~~purple vagina~~ cowl. Email me for the link to the new blog that I'm completely overwhelmed about making look decent and haven't had time to work on it but will at least have a new post within the hour.

There's still time left to get your free shit!

2010-11-04T08:29:00.000-04:00

Excited to share

The new blog that I'm writing

I messed up, mofos

If I sent you an address to a new blog and it doesn't work, It's not you, it's me. In my excitement, I forgot a part of the address. So, if you have already emailed me and I sent you something and it's wrong, here's how to fix it:

(mysecretblogname).wordpress.com

If you haven't emailed me yet, whatthefuckareyouwaitingfor? You better get 'ta emailin'. You wouldn't want to miss out on the free purple vagina** I am giving away, would you? You don't want to miss out on me do you?

**no actual vaginas were harmed during the making of this blog post

Win Free Shit and Some Slight Oversharing

2010-11-03T14:12:00.003-04:00

Hey mofos! I am selling out. -ish. I am working on a new blog. My awesome teenager stumbled upon it a couple of weeks ago, and it threw her for a loop. She got a glimpse of me as a 'real' person, and that was weird for her. Like, really weird. I asked her if she wanted me to stop blogging (truth be told, I was hoping she'd say no) and she said, "No. It's OK. I don't have to read it." Is that some awesome shit or what?!?! I know adults that can't grasp that concept.

My husband and I agree that it's important for me to keep blogging. I'm just going to do it in a different place. I am not posting a link to my new blog on here. Not only do I not want my teenager to read me, I don't want one person in particular to read it either. I know that the person I don't want in my biznass won't do what's necessary to be able to stay informed on my life. It may seem like drastic measures to keep one motherfucking person off my blog, but I'm a bitch like that. And if she chooses to cut me out of her life because of a stupid blog, then she doesn't get to participate in my life either. And well, I don't have a problem with the rest of you mofos.

That brings me to how you can win free shit. You people just need to send me an email or comment or text message if you want to know where the hell to find me. Next Wednesday, I'll randomly select select a winner.

With the weather cooling off, you want to be stylish and warm. If you're a dude, you want your girl to look stylish and not complain about being cold.

I'll email you the link/go to your blog and comment or email you/text you back. I understand that I am 'controversial', and some of you may not want me to know that you're reading my shit. I won't out you. I promise.

My email address is on the bottom of the page.

Bustin' out

2010-11-01T09:47:00.001-04:00

I'm just telling you all this so I can change the post of my hand. I'm tired of seeing it every time I pull up my blog.

This morning, I realized that I only have one handmade scarf/hat set. It's functional, but not particularly I used to knit all the time. Then summer hit, and I stopped. I mean, how oxymoronic is it to knit scarves and hats in 100 degree weather?

The weather is getting chilly so now it's time for me to bust out the 'ol kneedles and start knitting again. I want a fluffy cowl that I can wrap around my kneck and use to keep my head warm. I also have to make Vivian's mitten and hat set for Christmas, and finish Mimi's scarf. Trystan wants a hat, and the one I made Mel itches his head so I need to find another yarn and make him a new one. Baby. I don't know what to knit for Patricia. She's the difficult one. Any suggestions?

This post is brought to you by the letters 'M' and 'V'

2010-10-27T20:53:00.001-04:00

When is the last time you received a letter in the mail? When was the last time you wrote one?

Yesterday, my fantastic Mimi got a letter in the mail from her best friend in the world. She was sick yesterday, so this handwritten letter was the perfect thing that she needed to make her feel better. As soon as she finished reading it, she set to work writing back.

It bothered me that she didn't know how to address the envelope. She didn't know where to put the stamp. Vivian wanted to play with the 'stickers'. I seldom write letters. Occasionally, I'll buy a funny card and write a note to a girlfriend. I never get mail unless it's a bill. Thats no fun.

As easy as it is to tap out an email, text, or post on facebook, it's that much harder to sit down for 15 minutes and write a letter. You have to find the envelopes. If you're lucky enough to have those, you might be able to mail your letter if you can afford a stamp. As expensive as a book of stamps is you'd better make sure that you really like the person that you're wasting that stamp on. Then the address. Who keeps an address book anymore? I either remember your address or I ask you for it when I need to send you something. It's such a process to go through just to make someone's day brighter. It's no wonder why people don't do it much anymore.

When was the last time you wrote a letter? Who wants to be my pen pal?

*I'm not right handed. The picture looked bad lefty. Not that there is anything wrong with lefties. I am one myself. It just didn't look right for the effect I was trying to achieve.

Yeah, yeah, yeah...

2010-10-25T19:54:00.000-04:00

I know I said I'd be taking a break for a while. I lied. I had to show yous this super cute picture of Vivian chillin' in the sunroom this afternoon.

Time off for more bad behavior

2010-10-23T12:29:00.000-04:00

I've been naughty, and I need to be spanked. Monique, are you up for the job? Just kidding.

I am taking a break for a little while though. I have a lot occupying my mind lately, and I don't want to share it with you mofos. If I keep blogging right now, I'm going to end up shitting all over myself, and I don't want to do that. When all of this drama (and you people KNOW how much I like drama...NOT) passes, I'll be back to my irreverent self. In the meantime, feel free to comment about how much you love me and think I'm fabulous and how if I didn't care then I wouldn't care so much, and all that shit. You know how to stroke me. Right? Oh. And the ass. Don't forget about the ass.

Anyone want to guest blog? Email me.

Coming Soon to a Blogger Near You!

2010-10-21T10:54:00.001-04:00

I think that maybe instead of being a personal trainer, I might become a screenwriter. Here are a few movies I have in the works:

Stop Pissing On Me
A not-so-delightful tale of two women avoiding kinky sex acts

No Grudgemongering Here
Conservationism at its finest

Why You So Obsessed With Me?
I can see you while you're watching me

Which synopsis would you like to read first?

Just kickin' it

2010-10-20T09:31:00.000-04:00

For those of you who don't know what Pandora is, you are missing out on the best thing in the world. You type an artist's name into the search box, and they play music that is similar to the type of music by that artist. You can give each song a thumbs up or down and it makes your radio station play only the music that you like. You don't have to register in order to play music, but if you register, then you already have your radio stations ready for the listening whenever you want to hear them.

So, I'm listening to Jodeci radio right now. OH MY GOODNESS!!! I am in love all over again. It's so fun to listen to this music that I listened to in high school. I even remember all the words to all of the songs by Jodeci, Troop, Xscape, Guy, New Edition, Aaliyah- should I keep going?

What's your favorite radio station? What songs take you back to the good 'ol days?

halfway to 70+1(day)

2010-10-19T09:40:00.001-04:00

As Brandi pointed out yesterday, I'm halfway to 70 now. I guess she was trying to make me feel old or something. I don't. 35 is a cool age so far. I mean, I only have one day of experience with it, but so far it's cool.

I wanted to write the top 5 things I learned this year. I intended to be reflective and deep. You mofos know that I'm not that deep, and my favorite reflection is my own. Yeah.........so here goes:

I prefer red wine, dark beers, and strong coffee. So far, I haven't gotten into drugs, random sex with strangers, and cigarettes. I don't intend to. Don't worry.
Teenagers are nosy little fuckers.
Underwear is overrated.
I'm starting this new year of my life with one less friend. I wish I could say that I'm over it, but I'm not.
Fuck it.

Sunday in the Garden of Eden

2010-10-17T21:52:00.000-04:00

Warning! This material might be considered irreverent and unholy. Proceed with caution!

Adam-ondi-Ahman

I never knew Adam was a fellow countryman. I learned this information from my home teacher this evening. It piqued my interest, so when I questioned him about it and he didn't know the answer, I decided to investigate. He offered to get back to me, but I decided not to wait.

First, I went to the church's website. I searched for garden of eden, garden of eden missouri, adam-blah blah blah. I'm thinking that this is some pretty serious information. I mean, DAMN!! Adam is real!?!? And he's American?!? This kind of information shouldn't be hidden amongst primary lessons and random conference talks, should it? After ~~glossing over~~ reading many (like 5) ~~boring~~ talks, I finally found something explicit about it in a New Era article from 2003. It confirmed what the Almighty google told me right off the bat (the first and only search). What's funny is that the thing I found so quickly that is straightforward, to the point, annotated, and uncluttered, is from an 'anti' website.

Loaded question alert!!!!!

Why is it so difficult to find information about churchy doctrinal things on their website? Is it just me?

Which one are you?

2010-10-16T20:45:00.000-04:00

The kind you see/talk to sporadically and pick up right were you left off.
The kind you take in small doses.
The kind you spend tons of time talking and chillin' with and can't get enough of.
The kind you meet for coffee (or hot cocoa).
The kind you shop with.
The kind you are just like.
The kind you can't live without.
The kind you can't live with.
The kind you go dancing with.
The kind you trust with your most secretive secrets.
The kind you know better than to trust with your most secretive secrets.
The kind you count on to lift you up.
The kind you go out for drinks with.
The kind you swing on poles with.
The kind you hate to see go.
The kind you hate to leave.
The kind you haven't talked to in too long.
The kind you miss like your left nut.

I have at least 18. How many do you have? Which one am I?

almost a mushroom print

2010-10-14T19:58:00.001-04:00

I just read on facebook, "Talking at me through your posts doesn't count."

I agree somewhat. At least they're talking. That's better than the silent treatment.

I'm holding back. Waaaay back. Like way the fuck back in last place.

You know who you are. You're being hurtful. What are you trying to accomplish? You've already lost one friendship recently over circumstances I am still confused about, but can understand better now that I'm on the other end.

Maybe I'm giving you more reasons why you shouldn't talk to me anymore. Maybe that's exactly why you should.

So how much longer are you going to wait?

Underwear and the Mind

2010-10-11T19:52:00.000-04:00

I've often thought that politicians have a raw deal. How many times during how many elections have you heard that Governor So-and-so has changed his mind about (fill in the blank) issue? Or that, Senator What's-his-face used to think (whothafuckcares) about (whatever), but feels differently now? It sucks for them that every decision they have made is documented. Every time they voted for something, it's recorded. So, if they change their mind about an issue, they are perceived to be dishonest and unreliable.

I think they are neither dishonest nor unreliable. I think they are just normal. Have you ever changed your mind? Have you ever thought one thing, only to discover upon further examination, that your way of thinking was either wrong or based on bad information? I know my opinions about many things have changed because I didn't know all of the facts in the first place. Once I learned more information, I was able to make a more informed opinion. Sometimes, that opinion changed. Sometimes it has stayed the same.

The problem arises when someone says something like, "No matter what you say, you couldn't possibly change my mind." Or, "I don't care what the evidence is, I won't listen to it, and if I do listen to it, I won't believe it." (fundamental much?)

I'm not saying it's a bad thing to make up your mind and to stick to it. No one wants to be thought of as wishy-washy. Most of the time, it's a good thing to have an opinion and stick to it. It's how we relate to other people. It's how we decide who we want to spend our time with. Of course, we want to be friends with people who share some of the same opinions. However, it's not bad if you respectfully disagree about things. I don't have the same opinions as all of my friends about everything. That would be boring.

Now for the parable of the Apple Pie:

If I held the opinion that my apple pie recipe is the only true apple pie recipe and without following that recipe to the letter with no deviation or substitution, every apple pie that was made without my recipe would taste disgusting, and fall apart, and make you sick, and your family wouldn't respect and love you because of your nasty apple pie (giant exaggerated inhale), under what circumstances would it be acceptable for me or someone else to question that opinion? Would it be acceptable for someone to research apple pie techniques on the internet? Would it be acceptable to ask other apple pie aficionados? Do I have the right to label someone as 'anti-apple pie' just because they question my recipe?

So, being the open-minded chef I am, I decide to try some internet person's apple pie recipe. Am I allowed to change my mind? What if the other recipe makes better sense? What if, after careful consideration and research, I decide that my recipe isn't the one true apple pie recipe? Can't I change my mind? Just because I reject my recipe as being the best, doesn't mean that if you still prefer my recipe over any other recipe, I reject you. We just have different ideas about what makes a good pie. I still respect your decision to make my recipe.

Of course, I don't give a rat's ass which recipe you make. You could chose to make blueberry muffins instead. I don't care. Offer me one. I just might change my mind about apple pies.

IT'S APPLE TIME!!!!

2010-10-07T15:22:00.000-04:00

I love apples. No, let me correct that statement. I love Fuji apples. They are the only ones I buy. When we pick apples, we only pick The Fuji. So, if any of you mofos have been lucky enough to get any apple anything from my family, know that it has been made with The Fuji.

You all know that I am all about picking my own fruit. Early this summer, we picked tart cherries and blueberries. In July, we picked peaches and blackberries. We pick enough to freeze so we have it to last through the winter. Sometime during the next couple of weeks, Vivian and I will go to pick apples. I haven't ever tried it, but I don't think apples freeze well. They do, however, can fantastically. Last year, we were lazy and just made quarts upon quarts of apple pie filling and some applesauce. In previous years, we have made apple butter. This year, we are going to make apple butter out the ass!

I just got finished making an apple pie. It's not just any 'ol apple pie, though. It's a caramel nut apple pie. I just concocted the recipe in my head. Lucky for you, I typed the recipe as I was creating it. Do you want it? Huh? Should I copy and paste it here for you? Hmmmmmmmm....... I don't know. You all know how much I hate doing that. Welllllll, OK. Here it is:

Filling: (measurements are approximate)

6 apples, peeled and sliced

½ cup butter, cut into cubes

Dash salt

1 tsp cinnamon

1 tsp nutmeg

½ cup flour

¾ cup brown sugar

1/3 cup chopped walnuts

1/3 cup caramel bits

Combine filling ingredients until well mixed. Set aside. If you're as awesome as me, these ingredients will get all slimy and caramelly and delicious as you get the crust ready. If it doesn't do this, don't despair. You just aren't as fabulous as me. Don't worry. I still like you.

Crust:

Double pie crust

¼ cup caramel bits

¼ cup chopped walnuts

Roll out half of pie crust. Put caramel and nuts in bottom of pie crust. Top with apple mixture, then other half of pie crust. Cut slits in top of crust. Bake in a 425 degree oven for one hour or until crust is brown and apples are tender. Cool for at least 3 hours. Serve warm with vanilla ice cream and more walnuts.

My pie is still in the oven. It's been in there for about 30 minutes so far, and smells good. It's getting a little brown on top, so I am going to cover it in about 10 more minutes. You might want to reduce the heat if you are using a glass pan.

This pie is going to be my treat for going to hot yoga tonight. I love myself!

It's not that simple

2010-10-05T20:37:00.001-04:00

If you don't like it, don't look.

That's what my momma told me. That was kinda her motto when I was growing up. If she wanted to wear a belly shirt, and her belly had scars from multiple surgeries, she didn't care. She wore it anyway. Fuck 'em. If 'they' didn't like it, then 'they' shouldn't look.

Is this really good practical life advice? Should you not look at something just because you may not like it? Just because it might be uncomfortable? Remember last week's post about the recycled t-shirts? Gross. Sweat? Gross. You looked. You came back for more. You didn't like it. At least some of you didn't. How about the overall tone of my blog? Do you like it? If I had to describe it, I would say that it's me with my ass hanging out. That's actually how I described it to some people this weekend. They will check it out. They will decide if they like it or not. And if they don't like it? Will they keep looking? Maybe.

It's not always bad to keep looking at something you don't like. Sometimes, it can teach you something about yourself. If you are honest with yourself and want to know the 'why' behind your dislike, you may discover that the reasons you initially disliked something aren't valid. If you can separate your viewpoint from the socially accepted norms, you might see that your lens (AKA-the 'right thing') is cloudy. You might even discover that once you take out your recycled t-shirt* and clean that lens, you see the world a whole different way. And what was once uncomfortable and offensive to look at, isn't really so disgusting. It might even change the way you think about everything.

*The t-shirt in question is green. Green t-shirts are exclusively for cleaning glass. Nothing else. No shit, no snot, only glass.

I am so excited to Wake Up! with John Legend

2010-10-04T09:30:00.000-04:00

By a show of hands, who is familiar with John Legend? He is one of my favorites. I just bought his newest album, Wake Up! The title song is going to be my theme song for the month of October. It's a remake of the original song by Harold Melvin and the Blue Notes. I love it. The original came out in 1975, the year I was born. Just so happens, my birthday is this month too.

This is an exciting time for me. I feel like I have awakened from a long sleep. I'm excited to participate in my life and in the lives of the people I love. My heart and mind are on the same page now. It's a wonderful feeling to let go of guilt and frustration and to stop "keeping up appearances".

You should try it.

food truck friday

2010-10-01T16:35:00.001-04:00

There's a truck around here that sells delicious fresh Mexican food. Or so I've heard. I haven't had the best luck finding it until today.

Pupusas are like stuffed corn pancakes. They are usually stuffed with cheese, meat, beans or a combination of the three, and served with coleslaw on the side. There is usually a red sauce that goes with it, but these didn't come with that. I love the melty cheesy crust that it gets on the outside. I also think the coleslaw is delicious. It's not mayo based. It's vinegary and sweet. My two pupusas cost $4. I'll definitely go back sometime soon for the tacos. Who's coming with me?

So, no one has anything to say?

2010-09-30T11:02:00.000-04:00

REEEEEALY?

Because I find it hard to believe that this 'friend' of mine is the only one who has thought this. I'm not asking you to 'out' yourself as an unbeliever. What I want to know is how you have dealt with your doubts.

How have you handled/ how would you handle a similar situation if it was your spouse who was experiencing the same difficulties that my 'friend' is experiencing?

Is there anything wrong with having doubts and thinking critically? I don't mean criticizing and being mean. I mean asking questions and looking for answers?

Why don't we talk about this more?

Why can't we use what we have in common to discuss these things?

Don't you think that it could help reconcile our brains and our hearts?

No more ass rags and sweat. 'Someone' wants to GTFO.

2010-09-28T17:03:00.000-04:00

After the outcry against the disgusting bodily function posts, I thought I'd tone things down with a ~~lighthearted~~ post about 'someone' I know and his/her big time troubles with the Church.

Before you go and assume it's me, keep reading. It's not me mofos. I'm not saying that I'm going to be at church on Sunday either. I have yoga.

I'm jussayin' that I'm not the 'I' in this post. I'm talking about 'someone' I know. Ok? I'm not ready to share with you people what I want to do or what I even believe anymore. It's a friggin' process, and I'm still going through it.

So, enough about me. On to the 'guest' post.

I have a secret.

I'm a calling-fulfilling, temple recommend-holding, highly active member of the LDS church, but I don't believe Joseph Smith was a prophet. I never have.

I wanted to. How I wanted to! This church seemed so right, so perfect for me. But there was something that always felt wrong about Joseph Smith to me. Luckily, I had the book of Alma in the Book of Mormon telling me that I didn't need perfect faith--only a desire to believe. That was enough, and if the thing I desired to believe was a good and true thing, it would grow into a testimony. So, I held onto that desire and hope for dear life. For more than 15 years I have been trying follow the teachings of the prophets, while pushing to the recesses of my mind the nagging thought thatthat one prophet--the supposed most important one--was a fraud.

I did the things I was supposed to do to overcome my doubts and my seeming lack of faith. I read my scriptures, I prayed sincerely, I fasted, I went to the temple and sought some sort of answer. It never came.

About a year ago I had the thought that maybe if I got to know Joseph Smith better, I would be able to gain a testimony of him. We're taught to do that with Jesus, so why wouldn't it work for Joseph Smith? And that's when the Pandora's Box of church history was opened. All those years I'd just had a feeling that something was not right with Joseph Smith, but suddenly I was confronted with numerous pieces of evidence that my feeling was correct. So, I did what all good Mormons do when confronted with so-called facts that seem to go against what the church teaches--I read the apologists. I tried to find reasonable explanations for these things that I'd read about Joseph Smith. Some of the alternate explanations were reasonable and I was able to accept them. Some of them, I could not. But I wasn't ready to leave. I basically chose to ignore the questions and doubts I had and soldier on.

But then as the past year has gone on, more and more questions have arisen. More things about the church--things beyond Joseph Smith--have nagged at me. These aren't things brought to my attention by "anti" sources. These are things from the Ensign and other church publications.   Things from our church leaders.

And so, I have lost my faith. Not in God. Not in Christ. But in the idea that this is Christ's restored church on Earth. I do not believe it to be the case.

I do believe that God has a hand in some of the things that happen in the LDS church. I think blessings that are given are very real and do work. Not because the person giving it happens to hold the priesthood, but because usually the person giving it truly believes that he is following the one true church, and is trying to be Christ-like, and has faith that God will use him as a tool for the blessing. A kind and loving God (which I do firmly believe in) would not deny such faith just because the founder of said church was a fraud. I believe that often we do feel the Spirit in meetings. Again, not because we have been given the gift of the Spirit by priesthood holders after our baptism, but because we have faith and are open to it, and because the basic principles taught by Christ are (in my opinion) true and therefore worthy of being testified to by the Spirit.

I believe, for the most part, that the people in the LDS church are good and striving to do their best, and I like being among them for that.

But there are enough things in the church that I believe to be not of God that I want out.

I don't want to leave because I've been offended, or because I want to sin. I didn't smoke, drink, take drugs or even drink coffee before I became a member. Before I joined, I'd had a grand total of one sexual partner, and it happened to be someone I was certain I would marry (though I did not). I didn't cheat or steal. I tried to be honest. I served others when I could. Really, with the exception of sustaining the church leaders, I probably could have passed the temple recommend interview with flying colors before I ever even knew what a Mormon was.

So those are not the reasons I want to leave. I want to leave because by staying, I'm pretending to be someone I'm not, and that wears on one's soul after awhile.

But then I look at my spouse, and I look at my children, and I wonder if I should stay for them. I wonder what will happen when they know I've lost my faith. I wonder if it makes me as big a fraud as I believe Joseph Smith to be if I let them continue on not knowing the things that I've come to know. I wonder if I could live with myself if I allow them to believe that some people are not as worthy in God's eyes due to things other than what's in their heart. And then I wonder if it would make me a monster to shatter their happy oblivion.

And that wears on my soul, too.

What's next?

2010-09-27T17:26:00.000-04:00

Ever since Jesus attacked me the other day, I have been so curious about what the 'next blog' is. Saturday, it was photographers. Sunday, it was mostly foodies. I got a super yummy looking recipe for coconut banana bread with candied ginger on top. I can't wait to try that one. Today, it's paper crafters. Stamps and cards and shit (snore).

I found an odd fucking blog on Sunday. This person reused old t-shirts. OK, there's nothing wrong with that. I have used an old t-shirt for a spit rag, window cloth, shoe-shiner. There are many things one can do with an old t-shirt.

Did you know that you can make your own ass rags with old t-shirts? Yeah! You can just cut them into squares or strips, and put them in a basket on the back of your toilet with a spray bottle. When you need to wipe yourself after le poo, just spray and wipe. I guess you should put a dirty basket somewhere close by so you don't end up re-using the same cloth. That could get gross.

Also! You can make snot rags out of old t-shirts. Once again, make sure there exists the proper receptacle for the besnotted rags. The blog author was sure to point out that in her family, they use white rags for the snot, and dark colors for the bum. Good idea.

Ya know, because who wants to get an ass full of snot?

Hot and Sweaty

2010-09-26T20:15:00.000-04:00

I'm not a sweater. I don't like sweat. I think sweaty bodies are disgusting. For me, there's no faster way to kill the mood during sex. Don't touch your sweaty body to mine. Yuck. I can just barely handle touching my own sweat. Thankfully for me, I don't sweat much. Not usually.

Until last week.

Monday, I started Bikram yoga. What the hell is that? It's yoga that you do in a hot motherfucking room. 104 degrees to be exact. You do a series of 26 different poses. This is unlike any yoga I've ever done. No sun salutations. No upward-facing dog. Not even a warrior. I hate it and love it at the same time. It's hard, hot, and drippy. The yoga. Get your mind out of the gutter.

I bring a beach towel with me to put on top of my yoga mat. By the end of class, the towel is soaked. Completely. I'm still amazed at the amount of liquid that pours out of my pores each time I practice. I drink tons of water all the time outside of class just so I don't die.

It's a good thing that I've gotten over my whole belly thing, because most people (myself included) only wear a sports bra and shorty short yoga shorts. My bikini time in Hawaii prepared me for Bikram. However, in Hawaii, I didn't bend forward and scrunch and squish my flabby belly and excess skin. I stood/sat up tall and sucked in all the time. I still have it sucked in, but there's so much twisting and bending and "look at your belly" and "tuck in your chin" and "touch your forehead to your knees" that no amount of sucking in will help. So, I've let it go. Had to.

I've also gotten over touching sweaty bodies. At least mine. I am the only one I touch during class. But I'm not just touching my hand to my sweaty leg. That would be easy. NOOOOOO, I'm touching my face- my entire pretty little face- to my legs. My 'dripping with sweat so much that it's pooling at my toes' legs. Like, when I look at my knees because that's where they want me to look, and I see the sweat, I have to make a decision - get the most out of the practice and do what they are telling me to do, or, hell no those are some sweaty-ass legs and there's no way my face is going to bathe in sweat. But I do. I touch my pretty little face to my sweaty-ass legs, and the sweat drips into my mouth. And I don't feel grossed out at all. I'm actually amazed that it doesn't taste gross and salty. I let myself rejoice in the amazingness of my body and allow the sweat to help me move into deeper postures.

I'm four classes into my first month, and I am pretty sure that I'm going to have to keep going forever. Or at least until I get bored and find something else to do instead.

Can someone please explain this to me?

2010-09-23T22:40:00.000-04:00

For at least ten minutes, I clicked on the 'next blog' button on the upper-left corner of my screen. Why was every single one of them Christian themed? I just counted - 21 clicks = 21 Jesus blogs. WTF? At least two of them were Mormons. How could I tell from the first glance?

The guy was living in Utah, and his name was Jarom. (why do people do that to their kids?)
The family of 20+ spanning multiple generations was wearing matching outfits and blogging about the baby's blessing.

I was clicking on 'next blog' to find something trashy. Not Jesus-y. Why else would I be on the internet at 10:30 at night?

Caught up - III

2010-09-22T14:57:00.000-04:00

Want to know what fucking sucks?

I had the entire third part of my post ready to publish. All I had to do was move one line to the end of the post, and it was done. Guess what I did?

I DELETED THE WHOLE DAMNED THING!!!!!

Fuck it. Here's the summary:

Mel was confused because I kept everything inside because I took the church too seriously and felt super guilty that I had let him down and therefore was a terrible and unworthy mother and wife.
He was relieved when I finally broke down the truth to him.
What started out as 'rebellion', has turned into an incredible spiritual and intellectual journey for me.
Once you learn something, you can't unlearn it. And once it's substantiated with reliable sources and facts, you can't pretend it's not true.
It wasn't rebellion.
I'm not the only one in the world who is going through this.
Shit! I'm not special.
I might not be special, but I do have a good ass.

Sex Sells- look at my pictures!!

2010-09-21T16:44:00.002-04:00

Giant three-legged sea turtle.

This is not the same mofo.

Post-snorkeling at sharks cove. Mel loves my duck-face. (You must click the link and watch the video. It's hilarious)

WTF? I guess it got lost in the translation.

8,000,000 points if you can guess where this is.

Sometimes you have to go down a dark and dirty road

to be able to enjoy and appreciate the awesome beauty of nature.

Can't fall to sleep

2010-09-20T00:48:00.000-04:00

I'm having a hell of a time getting to sleep these days. I guess I just need to lay down. In a dark room. With the TV off. That might help.

You know something I figured out the other day after I got off the phone with Brandi? It's much easier to be an asshole to her on the computer. She's so nice on the phone. I feel bad being snarky to her over the phone. I guess it's best for our relationship if she's my texty-buddy. That way we can cuss each other out and no one ends up feeling guilty.

I don't do well with guilt. And by that, I mean that I don't really feel guilty. Ever. And if I do feel guilty for some reason, I usually get over it pretty quick. I'm awesome like that.

It's time to get off this stupid computer. I have to be well-rested for tomorrow. I am going to my first Bikram Yoga class in the morning. I'm so excited!!

Don't bug me about pictures. I'm trying to decide which pictures I want to post. The ones of the beautiful scenery? Or the ones of me looking so hot I get turned on when I look at them? Decisions, decisions, decisions.

I'm home!!!

2010-09-16T23:17:00.001-04:00

After what seemed like an eternity on the plane form LAX to BWI - over-fuckin' night with two babies taking turns screaming for 5 hours - I"m here. Safe and sound. Did I mention that I was sitting next to a big-ass man? He wasn't fat, he was just a big guy. He was all muscle, and did I mention that he was huge? I was so uncomfortable sitting next to him. I don't like touching or smelling strange people. At least he smelled good. He smelled like clean laundry. So I guess it could have been worse. He could have been huge and smelly. Smelly like the woman who sat next to me on my way from Hawaii to LA. Praise the Lord that we had a seat separating us. And I am equally grateful that I didn't start to smell her until I had a little less than an hour left in the flight. Because everytime she moved, I smelled her, um, odor. It was frikkin' naaaaasty. She smelled like a combination of old lady crotch and armpit funk. EW.

Next week will bring photos of the trip. I have a crazy-ass weekend planned. It's one of those things where I'm sitting here right now asking myself, "What the hell was I thinking?" Here's a hint: someone I know is turning 15 on Sunday.

the food

2010-09-14T15:23:00.001-04:00

First up- the Puka dog. It's a polish sausage stuffed into a delicious bun that's filled with fruity relish and fruity mustard and this garlicky yummy sauce.

See that brown crispy stuff next to the dog? That's because they impale the bun with this hot dildo looking thing to toast the inside of the bun. This keeps all of the sauces from leaking through the bun.

On Saturday, we traveled to the North Shore for some turtle watching and snorkeling. (I'll tell you about that another time. This post is all about the food.)

After much research, we decided to eat at a shrimp truck for lunch. They are so plentiful up there, each one claiming to be the best and the freshest. My friends on urbanspoon helped us decide on Romy's.

We both got their famous garlic shrimp. Good thing, because there was so much garlic! Neither one of us would have been able to be around the other.

Sunday and Monday we got breakfast and lunch here.

There were two rows of yummy baked breads, treats, breakfast sandwiches, quiches, everything!!! Quick and easy!

Monday night, we ate the Addingtons. No- wait! We ate with them. Naika and Mike treated us to dinner at a yummy Filipino restaurant named Max's. They are famous for their fried chicken. That was good. So was everything else that we had.

The aftermath.

Dessert. It looked better than it tasted in my opinion. Mel liked it though. My favorite part was the leche flan.

That's it! I haven't eaten anything so far today. I know there's spam in my future. I'm hanging out with Naika today.

I've been eating some 'awesome' food!

2010-09-11T14:47:00.000-04:00

I'll tell you all about it and all of the wonderfully relaxing and beautiful things I've been doing later. We just got a camera last night, so I'll be taking better pictures than what my iPhone can take.

Our plans for today:

snorkle
try not to get attacked by killer sea turtles
eat shave ice and get a t-shirt from Matsumoto's
eat something delicious from some yummy restaurant
eat puka dogs for dinner

Don't be surprised if I am 20 pounds heavier the next time you see me.

My white belly

2010-09-10T12:19:00.001-04:00

It has been in hiding for at least 16 years. Yesterday it greeted the sun. I'm not totally convinced that it should have been brought out to play. Having four kids hasn't been kind to my middle region. Not to be confused with nether-region. That part is fine.

It doesn't help that there are tons of cute, skinny Japanese women everywhere I turn around. I don't think I would be as self conscious if I knew I was the best looking MILF around. They don't have awesome muscle tone like I do. Or asses. So, I guess I shouldn't be distracted by a little extra skin.

Ok. I feel better now. Thanks for cheering me up. You mofos are great.

Happy 15th Anniversary!!

2010-09-07T22:54:00.000-04:00

Our story is crazy. Fifteen years ago, I was huge and pregnant and about to pop. I hate that saying- about to pop. It's gross. It's vulgar. Nothing pops. EW. Anyways, back to our story.

We didn't want to get married just because I was pregnant. Then he came down on orders. We were both in the Army, so the only way we could both be stationed together was if we were married. So that's why we did it. So our family could be together. Ironic?

So, for our tenth anniversary, I got a baby. Vivian the Great was born. What else is there to say? For you mofos that know her, you know that she truly is great. Her personality is gigantic. She is the most outgoing person I know. She is best friends to every single person she meets. She loves animals, singing, the color pink, candy, her bicycle, her silly bands, her friends. She loves life and is a crazy monkey. My nickname for her is stinkleberry. She giggles every time I call her by that silly name.

As luck would so have it, Mel had to take a trip to Hawaii for work. He was able to work things out juuuuust right so we could go for our anniversary. I'm happy about this. Don't get me wrong. It's great. But you know what's funny? It's kind of a cheap present. Lemme break it down.

Frequent flyer miles = $200 for my ticket.
Army is paying for the hotel.
Army is paying for food.
Army is paying for rental car.

But, I'm happy. I'm looking forward to it. I'll get 8 days without my kids. I'll be able to sunbathe, knit, read, plan, knit, sunbathe, chill, eat, drink, surf, snorkel, have quiet time.Yeah, it's ok, I guess. Don't be mad Brandi. Don't be jealous. Stop calling me a bitch. It's not MY FAULT, ok?! I can't help it. My husband is better. He's only spending $200 on me. It's not that big of a deal.

He's too dang sensible

2010-09-05T11:24:00.000-04:00

I shouldn't be annoyed by this fact about my husband. But I am. I just want him to see things the way I see them, and feel the way I feel about them. He's too level-headed. Too objective. Too fair. He thinks things through. He weighs his options. He makes well-thought-out decisions.

I'm not trying to make any decisions. I'm still processing, learning, and figuring out. He makes me think critically. That makes my brain hurt. It's much easier to be emotional and impulsive. Not better. Easier.

It's a good thing for me that he is how he is. I'm thankful for that. He's probably reading this and smiling and shaking his head.

I love him.

MILF & DILF

2010-09-03T19:27:00.002-04:00

I just found this out 'fer sure today. It kind of mortifies Patricia that her classmates think her dad is hot. And that her mom is smokin'. "It could be worse," she said, "at least you're not fat. That would be totally embarrassing."

Shallow? Honest? Both?

Caught up - II

2010-09-02T20:35:00.008-04:00

That summer was one of the best and worst I can remember. Best because I met my sister*, Mixee. We all loved her. But I love her the most. We are kindred spirits. But back to the story:

So, all of us girls in the neighborhood would hang out in the afternoons while the kids played. We'd chat, laugh, discuss, bitch, gossip (in a nice way). Mixee really was the most open (wiiiide open, KWIM?) one of us. Even though I knew the other girls longer, I connected with Mixee best. We both have white mothers and black fathers. She was the first black friend that I had since I joined the church. Go 'head. Read that last sentence again. I think I have to. I don't think I realized that until now. But the point of all this is that she brought out something in me that no one else up until this point has. I was so drawn to her because through her, I felt like myself again. My other sister*, S, pointed out that I was a totally different person around Mixee. I was raw and real and dare I say, fun.

It was the worst because I realized that the glass house I had been living in had some very serious cracks in it. Looking back, I thought I was above certain temptations. I am not going to go into details about that part. I'm not trying to create any mystery or excitement. What I will say, is that I had lost who I was. I had forgotten what it was about me that made me happy. I felt like I was trapped in my life. As a result, I stopped eating, smiling, socializing. All of it. I was depressed. Most of you might remember that. You know, the month where I lost 25 pounds? It ended up lasting for close to three years.

During that time, I felt overwhelmed and trapped with being a wife, mother, caregiver, manager, decision maker, all-a-dat. I wanted to escape. But I couldn't. I loved my fantastic husband. He really is amazing. I did't want to hurt him. I was committed to my children. I didn't want them to grow up as children of a mother that ran away. Those two things were really non-choices.

While in the course of therapy, I had an epiphany. As I was crying and discussing my situation and beliefs, the topic of religion came up. Here's how the conversation went:

Therapist: So right now, Patricia is being raised Mormon, right?
Me: Yes.
T: But as she grows up, she might choose not to continue to be Mormon. So, would that be ok?
Me: Ummmmm, yeah, I guess so.

I can't say that I believed what I had said. I knew that the answer I gave was the 'correct' answer. I knew that I was 'supposed' to say that she had a choice. You all know as well as I know, that there really IS no choice. It's expected. It's a given. Up until that point, I had always assumed that she would grow up and marry in the temple and have a million kids and be an active member of the church. I never asked her what she thought about this. I never even entertained the thought that she might want to do something else.

And then a couple of weeks later it hit me. Like a fucking ton of bricks! I DO HAVE A CHOICE! I can choose to go to church or not. I can choose. I mean, I do have agency, right? But I fought it. I doubted myself. I felt guilty. Like I was being selfish. Like I was letting my family down. Like Satan really had a grasp on me. I hated Sundays. I hated going to church. I hated having to see people and put on a show. I hated my life again.

What made me really stop going to church was the four hours of alone time in my house. Really. No one offended me. I didn't find out terrible things about Joseph Smith. I just plain didn't wanna. That's it. I kept up the illusion of going to church by only attending sacrament meeting. But I knew I wasn't fooling anyone. Not anyone who really was paying attention anyway. It was easy to stop coming to church all together when we changed wards.

I tried to attend for a couple of weeks. I really did. I intended to start anew in our new ward. It wasn't the same. I didn't want to have to be on my best behavior for people I didn't know or care to get to know. I didn't like to be the newcomer. I'd skip RS to go to my friend's house. Her backyard is adjacent to the church parking lot. (Psssst! wanna know a secret? Once, she wasn't home, and I stayed and talked to her husband. ALONE!)

That's the gist. I've skipped stuff. When I went to Hawaii, I had my 'first' coffee. I'm pretty sure it was on this day. It was an iced vanilla latte. I remembered quickly that I don't like milky sweet coffee drinks. I'm a black girl. (pun intended) It took me almost two years before I could get a cup of coffee and not feel like I had to sneak around. I've had alcohol. I like it. I haven't been shitty drunk once. Really Brandi. I wasn't shitty. Just a little buzzed.

So, why am I telling you bitches all this? It's my blog. So I'll do whatever the hell I want. That's why. There's more to this story. Like why I think I'm not just rebelling. And why I most likely won't go back. And why I am thankful for people who can present information in an unbiased, educated, respectful way. I'll tell it another day. Oh shit!! I forgot to tell you about one more really important thing!!!

It was a conversation/lesson in Sunday school that took place before I moved. I don't remember what it was about, but the person said something about being converted by the social aspects of the church. That eventually that goes away, and the person is left with nothing. She hit the nail on the head for me. Hence the title.

I'll finish this story but not tonight. I have to get up early to take my daughter to seminary.

*Let the records show: I do not have any blood related sisters. The aforementioned 'sisters' are my bestest girlfriends. They have held my hand and heart through the toughest times in my life. I love them with all my heart.

Caught up

2010-09-02T07:23:00.005-04:00

Looking for something to make our already awesome family and marriage stronger, my husband and I opened up to the possibility of church. I was 7 or 8 months pregnant with Trystan and fresh out of the Army. He had a Mormon coworker. They discussed things about the church during work. In turn, he would come home and relate them to me. The things he told me about the church sounded great. But I just wasn't sold on the whole no coffee and no alcohol thing. I was still nursing, and I COULDN'T WAIT to have a beer. After 9 months of abstaining, I missed my pal, Sam Adams. Hell no, I wasn't going to join a church that forbade beer!

The missionaries came, they taught, they kicked ass! Those were some great girls that we grew to love. I went to church for the first time on my birthday. It was boring, but the people were so kind. I enjoyed hanging out with the other nursing moms in the tiny mother's lounge. There were like 8 of us that had boys within weeks of each other, so I enjoyed making new friends. After church, we planned to go out for lunch. Imagine our surprise that they 'didn't do' that sort of thing. What were we supposed to do? We were hungry. Oh well.

There were tons of nice people and fun things to do. We had instant friends. Until this point in our lives, we didn't have a friends. We had coworkers. We had a few people we could call if we needed a favor. But we didn't have people to hang out with. You bitches know me, I love hanging out. I love my girlfriends! This was awesome! The people in the Laurel ward were so great. There was one family that we loved more than the others. You know who you are. We are still great friends with them.

Soon after we joined the church, we moved several hours away. Mel was working a very demanding and stressful job. I was virtually a single parent for four years. It was the friends I had in the ward that helped me and held me up during that extremely difficult time in my life. It was there, that we became part of a family. Our adopted famly. They are grandma, grandpa, aunt, uncle, cousin, sister, brother to our family. They are crazy, loud, open, honest, bossy, annoying. We love them, and they love us.

We eventually moved back to our old area. Although we were slightly disappointed that we weren't within the same boundaries and couldn't attend our previous ward, we soon discovered that the ward we were assigned to was perfect. I was called served in YW immediately. I loved my girls. I still love them.

As I sit here and type all of this, I am hesitant. I cannot say that I have had any bad experiences with the people I know. Maybe fake people stay away from me because they think I'll see right through them. Maybe it's because I'm oblivious to things that don't directly affect me. Remember? I don't gossip. I don't know or care to know other people's shit. I have my own, thankyouverymuch. I tend to gravitate toward nice people, so I generally have good experiences.

So, what went wrong? Why am I 'done'? Life was pretty good. Things were going along relatively smoothly. I was living in a bubble of sorts. Looking back, I realized that I had gotten pretty selective (picky) with whom I would associate. I hung out with my nonmember neighbors, but I bristled every time they would light a cigarette, or cuss, or drink beer. These people were good parents. They had great values. They were honest, kind, and helpful. They were everything I loved about my Mormon friends. If only they didn't ________. Fill in the blank.

As I spent more time with my nonmember neighbors, I realized that something was missing. Something was 'off' about our relationship. More on this later.

Then I met Mixee. Our kids had been friends for a couple years. She moved in across the street, and I finally got the opportunity to know my other sister. One of our first conversations after she moved in went a little something like this:

"Ummm, I don't want to offend you by asking you, so you can say no, and that's fine. But I thought I'd ask you anyway, just in case you'd like to come. I'm having an 'adult' toy party tomorrow night, sooooooooooooo......?"

"Yeah! Sure I'll some. I'm not offended. I have sex. Welllllll, I'll have to see. I need to make sure Mel is OK with it. Hmmmmmmmm. I'll have to get back to you."

Now don't start thinking that because I touched a dildo, that's what started me on the road to hell. That conversation is just one of the first of many conversations that, upon looking back, made me realize that I had become so uptight, judgemental, and boring. Mel wasn't OK with it. I went anyway and got some dumb ass coupons.

There's more to this story. I'll continue it tomorrow perhaps. I have been ignoring my monkey for long enough.

I'm starting to hear scratches on the blackboard

2010-08-30T07:06:00.000-04:00

**I wrote this on Friday and for some reason I didn't post it. So here ya go**

You know how you can deal with annoying things for a little while, then you finally get to a point where they start to drive you crazy and you feel like your head is about to pop off? I'm there today. Like, SO there.

One of the greatest things of the whole summer happened on Tuesday. THREEOFMYKIDSWENTBACKTOSCHOOL!!!!! (cue Ren and Stimpy's "Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy) Running errands hasn't been this easy since June. There's no one arguing. Vivian doesn't have anyone teasing her, so she's not constantly whining. Life is sounds great, right? I mean, my last post was about how awesome my life is. I've been high on life all week.

Remember how I said that no one has been here to bug Viv? Yeah, that also means that there is no one else here to talk to her. Or answer her questions. Or play with her. Or listen to her stories about blabbity-blah. My head is about to explode. Her cute little voice is starting to sound like shrieking monkeys.

She'll start preschool next Wednesday, so my ears will start to get relief. We've decided to homeschool for kindergarten this year (blah, blah, blah, state cutoff dates for starting school, blah, blah, blah, missed it by seven fucking days, blah, blah, blah). I figured, why the hell not? We are going to be here. It might make my life easier in the long run. Ha ha ha.

Shit! I knew that high wouldn't last.

things that help me know my life really IS awesome

2010-08-25T15:29:00.003-04:00

people that get me. right away. without any explanation.
mel.
when my teenager is sincerely appreciative.
when my three youngest kids are kind to each other for no good reason.
friends that go out of their way to hang out with me.
not feeling like 'the maid' when i clean my house.
yoga.
when my friends from different circles like each other.
when vivian plays by herself all afternoon.
an ass that makes me smile when my eye catches it in the mirror*.

what helps you know you have an awesome life?

* gratuitous ass comment

Because I don't want to pick paper out 'ma girl

2010-08-24T20:16:00.007-04:00

All day, I've had at least three different topics swirling around my brain about what I would blog about today. First, I was going to compare and contrast Charmin toilet paper and Scott Tissue. Then I really struggled about whether or not to share my latest recipe for toaster leavin's. Then I had an awesome afternoon with my two favorite fellow yogis, and discovered a pose that was nearly orgasmic, so I thought I'd share. But then, I read Tia Becky's blog, and decided that I would expound on her thought-provoking question.

Then I decided not to.

Like, just now.

Just like that.

And as I am writing about how I'm not going to answer her blog. I just realized that I just answered it. Blogging is important because it's ALL MINE!!! I can do whatever the hell I want and you can't stop me!! Ha Ha Ha It's the first amendment, bitches!!!!!

That's some awesome shit right there! Just think about it- All damn day, we have to do what everyone else needs. It starts when we get up early to wake up the kids for school. Then we feed them breakfast, help them pack lunches, make sure they catch the bus on time, clean the house, play with little kids, run errands, be here when the big ones get back to school, make them do homework, cook dinner, clean up after dinner, get them in bed. And if we are still coherent, we have sex with our husbands (or not), and go to bed so we can do it all over again the next day.

But when I blog -or not blog- I do whatever the hell I want. I get to make all the choices. I don't have to have a certain number of vegetables in my blog. I don't have to make sure it's on time, I don't even to have good language on my blog. It's whatever, wherever, however I want.

It's my selfish, dirty, indulgence. Aren't you glad you came?

What is wrong with women?

2010-08-22T14:42:00.003-04:00

I went to a baby shower yesterday. It was my first one in at least a year. I avoid them. They are stupid. They are boring. I don't go because I love babies. I don't. I'm SO OVER babies. I don't want to look at one. I don't want to hold one. If you have a baby and I hold it, feel special. Really. Feel even specialer if you have a toddler and I pay it any attention because I dislike toddlers even more than infants. I'm not even sure that I like my own kids, but that's another story.

Oh yeah, back to the shower. I decided to go because this girl is sweet. Not sweet in a fakey way, but in a sassy, honest, and nice way. She works with my husband and has known him for several years, and I have hung out with her a couple times. I mostly just wanted to see her because I haven't seen her since she found out she was preggie. I knew she would be a cute preggie, and I was right. She looked adorable.

So there we were, a group of women (and a couple men), sitting around at a baby shower. Take a wild guess what these ladies start talking about? BIRTH STORIES!!!

Now on to my point: Why do women feel like they need to out-bad each other's birth experiences?? I seriously hate when women who have experienced childbirth feel the need to tell a first time preggie/never been preggie woman how horrible it is. As if she's not already terrified of the unknown, you want to tell her that it is worse than she ever imagined it would be!!??!?

Instead of allowing it to continue, I promptly asserted,"This baby shower is a bad birth story free zone." My beautiful, clueless, scared, preggie friend looked me straight in the face and thanked me. The other women stopped. The party continued. A good time was had by all.

But why do women feel like this is ok? It's not helpful. It's our responsibility to offer encouragement. If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. These women need to feel empowered. They are already overwhelmed, they don't need to know about your episiotomy. As much as I'm so over babies, I love talking about positive birth experiences. It doesn't have to be scary, or tense, or unbearably painful. It doesn't have to be managed and controlled and regulated. God made us to have babies. If you want to talk to someone who will encourage you and help you feel like you can do it, talk to me!

I know that everyone's experiences are different. All four of mine were. I know that some people have risk factors that others don't. I respect your decisions to do what you feel is right for you and your baby. Just remember who your audience is when you are recounting your story about being in labor for 48 hours. K?

New? Or just new to you?

2010-08-20T11:32:00.003-04:00

You might have read yesterday's post and thought something (either good or bad) about the 'new' Marianne. I just need to let you all know something: THIS SHIT AIN'T NEW! This is me with my ass hanging out! This is the me that has been hiding under the past 12 years of pressure to be a 'good girl'. I've been holding the hell back for far too long. I'm done.

I am happy. Happier than I have been in a long time. I am free. I feel like I have real connections with people. I'm done putting on a happy face and having superficial conversations. I am finally getting to genuinely know people I have been acquainted with for years.

I guess this seems drastic to some of you. For others, it's no surprise. Understand it or not, it is.

Ok Assholes - the remix

2010-08-19T14:32:00.002-04:00

I wrote and posted and deleted all within the space of a few minutes last night. I'll leave the 'why' up to your imagination. However, I will give you a hint. Shiraz was involved. So here's another try, bitches! (oh yeah, and the hard Marianne cusses. A LOT. get used to it)

Yesterday, was my son's birthday. You all know him, right? He has been alive for 12 years and one day. This information is important. Remember it. Mel and I had decided on his name months earlier. We didn't know if it was going to be a girl or boy, so we picked out both boy names and girl names. We were prepared. Or so we thought. One thing we didn't discuss was how we were going to spell the names. I figured that since his first and last names were pretty straightforward, it wasn't necessary to collaborate on the spelling. WRONG!!

He spelled my son's name with a 'y'. A damn 'y'?!? WTF? That's a fuckin' gay-ass way to spell a boy's name. T-r-y-s-t-a-n. That's not how you spell it. It's supposed to be T-r-i-s-t-a-n, dummie. But I got over it. I'm ok with it now. Partially.

People usually misspell it the first time they write it. When this happens, one of three things will happen. 1. I correct them on the spot. 2. I make sure they get the chance to see the correct spelling so they know. 3. I do nothing because it's not important. Almost always, I do nothing. People spell names wrong all the time, and it's not a BFD.

Except, if you are a member of the family. There are some things people should know. How to spell your grandson's name is one of them. In my case, there are only two grandsons. My kid was the first one. Not only that, but he was the second grandchild born into this family. So why the hell does his grandmother consistently spell his name T-r-y-s-t-o-n? I am sure that she has been told how to spell his name. He's 12. She has had 12 years to get it right. What's the problem?

I blame my husband. It's Mel's stupid fault for fucking up the spelling in the first place. HMMMMM, now I know where he gets it from.

I do it when...

2010-08-17T22:26:00.003-04:00

I have something to say. I think you bitches need to know what's happening in my life. Sometimes. You care, right? I don't like to tell you all about stupid stuff.

That's why I don't write all the time. Because, frankly, my life isn't that great. I don't have interesting experiences. I don't take beautiful pictures. I hate typing recipes. And I most certainly can't lie and pretend that my life is all rosy and my children are perfect, and my husband is the best. Well, my husband is practically perfect, but that's beside the point.

I noticed that over the past three years, I have been writing less and less. When I wonder why, I think it's because I was depressed during at least two of those three years. For the past year, I have felt pretty good-ish. Maybe I have been enjoying life. Maybe I have been taking more time to do the things that relax me (knitting), and I haven't been able to blog. Or maybe during those morning hours that I used to blog, I have been sitting in the sunroom drinking coffee and being myself instead of wishing I could be somewhere else or be someone else entirely.

Tia Becky has this thing going about writing hard. I've been holding back because of social pressures. I know who is reading this blog, and frankly, I don't want to hear their shit about it. Dammit, tomorrow that's all going to end. I think. Maybe.

what is it about me?

2010-08-10T21:45:00.004-04:00

The other week, I was having a conversation with a good friend about me. Yeah, I was talking about myself. Specifically, why people think I don't like them. I don't know if we really nailed down the reason(s), so I figured that it would be a good idea to ask you all. I can take it. Whatever you have to say. Really. I wouldn't ask unless I wanted to hear what people thought. So go ahead- I can handle it.

But before you tell me about myself, I need to let you in on a few bits of information:

I don't gossip. If you do something that I don't like/don't agree with, I'll either tell you to your face, or I will keep it to myself. If I talk about you behind your back, it's to say something kind, or ask about you. I don't talk dirt.
I don't dislike anyone. There are some people I click with better than others. There are some people I don't click very well with, and that's normal. If you know that we don't click very well, please refer to #1.
If you ask my opinion, I'm going to give it to you. Occasionally, I'll give it to you even if you don't ask for it. The honest one. If I ask your opinion, I expect that you'll give me the honest one. (otherwise, why would I ask?) I'm sorry in advance if I'm tactless. Some people have the gift of being able to filter their thoughts before the words escape their mouth. I am not always blessed with this gift. (understatement)
I am sarcastic. However, I am not mean spirited. I do not mean to hurt your feelings. If my sarcasm is too much for you to handle, please tell me. I'll stop. Or at least make a super good-faith effort to be less sarcastic to you.
I am bossy. GASP! BUT, I can take orders too. I like to be bossed around also. And convinced to do things. I don't have to be in charge. If I boss you, and you don't want to be told what to do, just tell me NO. I can take it!
I don't have to be the best. I mean, I do know I am awesome. But just because I am freakin' awesome, doesn't mean that I don't think you are freakin' awesome too. I enjoy my friend's successes. I am truly and genuinely happy for you when something awesome happens to you. I like to tell my friends how proud I am of their accomplishments. I like to tell my friends about my accomplishments that I'm proud of. If I do a good job at something, I own it (Thursday at Bowie State-I rocked my presentation). If I suck at something, I own that too (The swim event during my first and probably only triathlon-it really was embarrassingly awful and slow and awful).

That's me in 6 paragraphs. I know those things are what makes me "Marianne". I mostly love myself, so I don't plan to change who I am. I just want to improve my relationships with you bitches.

MWAH!

optimism

2010-07-28T10:34:00.006-04:00

(actual conversation)

Random Trainer: I gotta make sure I get paid for these people I trained. I know it's not a lot of money, but this is my drinking money.
Tall Black Man: I thought you didn't drink.
RT: I do drink, but not nearly as much as I'd like to.
TBM: HA! As much as you'd like to? I don't think I've ever heard that one.
RT: Just make sure I get paid ok? Each person is worth one drink.

tight ass...

2010-07-16T09:02:00.004-04:00

...and shoulders, and back, and hamstrings, and...

That's what happens when you don't work out for a while.

"But you are a personal trainer. You work at a gym," you say.
"I'm LAAAAAZY!" I whine, "I don't always WAAAAAANT to workout. It HUUUUURTS."
"So what kind of example are you setting?" you ask.
"A bad one, " I reply, "I don't care. So get off my case. I'm not the workout police."
"Jeeez, quit being such a bitch," you say.
"Don't call me a bitch. I'll punch you in the throat if you call me a bitch," I respond.
"I didn't say you were a bitch, I said you were being one. There's a difference," you explain.
"No there's not," I argue.
"Yes there is," you reply.
"Is not," I insist.
"Is too," you insist.
"Is-" PUNCH!! "GASP!!!", I gasp.
" Is too, BITCH!" you say.

Fine, I'll stop whining now. I have to go workout.

The fascinating belly button

2010-07-13T08:46:00.002-04:00

Vivian sat here for ten minutes trying to get to the inside of her belly button. She tugged and pulled and dug around, but to no avail. Good thing. That could have been messy.

It made me think of my own belly button. I hate mine. I have always been unhappy with my BB. It used to be hairy (GAH-ROOSSS), until I started waxing it. Now, after four kids, it's all stretched out and misshapen. It's saggy. It's sad. The BB along with all the stretch marks from the first kid, make for a less-than-desirable midsection. I was going to post a picture to prove it, but it looks much worse in picture form than in person. I'm too vain.

At least my ass is tight.

Don't be alarmed!

2010-07-12T09:37:00.002-04:00

It's just me checking back on my blog. I've changed it again. I'm going to be better at updating it. I promise. I have made changes to encourage me to visit my blog more instead of Brandi's. I think that if I look at my month old post long enough, I'll want to update more often. Whatever it takes, right?

some funny things happening right now:

Trystan playing with the dog (boxer) and getting punched in the face. BY A BOXER!!
The dog running in circles chasing his tail. He's a boxer. He has no tail. It's like me trying to wear pigtails. Have you seen my hair lately?
Mimi's pancake fail. I guess you have to learn how to make pancakes somehow, right?

My plans for the week:

Go to Costco for greek yogurt. I MUST HAVE MY GREEK YOGURT!!!!
Tune up my bike and ride at least 45 miles (not necessarily consecutive).
Take kids to park for picnic and playgrounding. Yes, you are invited. Llamame.
Try not to watch the season 5 finale of Weeds yet.

WOOO-frickin'-HOOOO, right?

My week is gonna be a blast!

outta touch

2010-06-09T16:35:00.003-04:00

have you ever been in a room full of beautifully delightful people who you enjoy spending time with, only to realize that you are sitting on a chair in a corner by yourself talking to no one?

and when you realize this fact, you find someone to talk to and discover that you have nothing to say?

so you just leave?

---

how about when you think things are going pretty well, only to find out everything was a lie?

and there are so many of them, that you can't ignore anything, and you're totally overwhelmed at the task of addressing, correcting, and preventing?

---

ever wake up thinking about how many more hours before you can go back to bed?

---

what about when your darling spouse invites you out for lunch, and you turn him down because you "hadn't planned on going out" today?

---

yeah, i'm a lil' bit depressed right now. don't ask why. just make me feel better by telling me how fantastic i am. k?

anyone up for a run to the liquor store?

2010-05-22T16:23:00.002-04:00

Most of you have driven down rt. 175 in Jessup, right? And you've seen Mel's liquors, right? I just read this on How Chow.

I think I may need to take a trip to the liquor store.

Everything's not always horeshoes and donuts, ya know.

2010-05-21T19:40:00.002-04:00

Sometimes the tigers eat cat food, and then you have to clean it up. The worst thing is when monkeys and elephants take their avocados to bed with them and the avocados don't sound like jelly beans when they chair.

That's what Kelly sounded like last night. I hope she gets help. Soon.

BGW-11

2010-05-18T17:15:00.002-04:00

I want to go and have BGW-2011 with my Aunt Becky . Who else is in?

hanging up the towel

2010-05-12T13:55:00.002-04:00

there are lots of things i do everyday because i have to. i get out of bed in the morning to fix my kids breakfast. i wash dishes and clean the house everyday. i go to the grocery store and run errands. these are things that i have to do because i have an obligation to my family to take care of these things that need to be taken care of.

there are also lots of things i do because i love to do them. i knit everyday because it relaxes me. i snuggle with vivian because she is the best hugger in the world. i go to the gym to workout because it makes me feel strong and healthy and fabulous.

but today while i was swimming at the gym, i realized that i don't love swimming. i don't even really like it. i suck at swimming. don't get me wrong, i can do things i suck at. i don't have to be great at something in order to enjoy it. i enjoy the process of improving myself, especially when it's something i like to do. swimming is not it.

swimming is boring. you can't talk to anyone. you just swim back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. inhale, blow bubbles on the exhale, inhale, blow bubbles on the exhale, inhale, don't choke before you come back up gasping for air.

so, i decided that maybe the triathlon thing isn't for me. even now as i'm typing this, i'm trying to figure out how to be able compete, because i really did enjoy it. maybe i'd love swimming if i had someone to swim with. (not that we'd be able to talk)

what do y'all think? anyone want to come swim with me? (and kick my ass)

child safety 101

2010-04-24T08:27:00.003-04:00

don't blame me. blame mel. he is the one who showed it to me. it's like a train wreck. only worse.

Safety Tips for Kids!