This post is brought to you by the letters 'M' and 'V'

When is the last time you received a letter in the mail? When was the last time you wrote one?

Yesterday, my fantastic Mimi got a letter in the mail from her best friend in the world. She was sick yesterday, so this handwritten letter was the perfect thing that she needed to make her feel better. As soon as she finished reading it, she set to work writing back.

It bothered me that she didn't know how to address the envelope. She didn't know where to put the stamp. Vivian wanted to play with the 'stickers'. I seldom write letters. Occasionally, I'll buy a funny card and write a note to a girlfriend. I never get mail unless it's a bill. Thats no fun.

As easy as it is to tap out an email, text, or post on facebook, it's that much harder to sit down for 15 minutes and write a letter. You have to find the envelopes. If you're lucky enough to have those, you might be able to mail your letter if you can afford a stamp. As expensive as a book of stamps is you'd better make sure that you really like the person that you're wasting that stamp on. Then the address. Who keeps an address book anymore? I either remember your address or I ask you for it when I need to send you something. It's such a process to go through just to make someone's day brighter. It's no wonder why people don't do it much anymore.

When was the last time you wrote a letter? Who wants to be my pen pal?

*I'm not right handed. The picture looked bad lefty. Not that there is anything wrong with lefties. I am one myself. It just didn't look right for the effect I was trying to achieve.

Yeah, yeah, yeah...

I know I said I'd be taking a break for a while. I lied. I had to show yous this super cute picture of Vivian chillin' in the sunroom this afternoon.

Time off for more bad behavior

I've been naughty, and I need to be spanked. Monique, are you up for the job? Just kidding.


I am taking a break for a little while though. I have a lot occupying my mind lately, and I don't want to share it with you mofos. If I keep blogging right now, I'm going to end up shitting all over myself, and I don't want to do that. When all of this drama (and you people KNOW how much I like drama...NOT) passes, I'll be back to my irreverent self. In the meantime, feel free to comment about how much you love me and think I'm fabulous and how if I didn't care then I wouldn't care so much, and all that shit. You know how to stroke me. Right? Oh. And the ass. Don't forget about the ass. 

Anyone want to guest blog? Email me. 

Coming Soon to a Blogger Near You!

I think that maybe instead of being a personal trainer, I might become a screenwriter. Here are a few movies I have in the works:

Stop Pissing On Me

A not-so-delightful tale of two women avoiding kinky sex acts

No Grudgemongering Here

Conservationism at its finest

Why You So Obsessed With Me?

I can see you while you're watching me

Which synopsis would you like to read first?

Just kickin' it

For those of you who don't know what Pandora is, you are missing out on the best thing in the world. You type an artist's name into the search box, and they play music that is similar to the type of music by that artist. You can give each song a thumbs up or down and it makes your radio station play only the music that you like. You don't have to register in order to play music, but if you register, then you already have your radio stations ready for the listening whenever you want to hear them. 

So, I'm listening to Jodeci radio right now. OH MY GOODNESS!!! I am in love all over again. It's so fun to listen to this music that I listened to in high school. I even remember all the words to all of the songs by Jodeci, Troop, Xscape, Guy, New Edition, Aaliyah- should I keep going? 

What's your favorite radio station? What songs take you back to the good 'ol days?

halfway to 70+1(day)

As Brandi pointed out yesterday, I'm halfway to 70 now. I guess she was trying to make me feel old or something. I don't. 35 is a cool age so far. I mean, I only have one day of experience with it, but so far it's cool.

I wanted to write the top 5 things I learned this year. I intended to be reflective and deep. You mofos know that I'm not that deep, and my favorite reflection is my own. Yeah.........so here goes:

1. I prefer red wine, dark beers, and strong coffee. So far, I haven't gotten into drugs, random sex with strangers, and cigarettes. I don't intend to. Don't worry.
2. Teenagers are nosy little fuckers.
3. Underwear is overrated.
4. I'm starting this new year of my life with one less friend. I wish I could say that I'm over it, but I'm not.
5. Fuck it.

Sunday in the Garden of Eden

Warning! This material might be considered irreverent and unholy. Proceed with caution! 

Adam-ondi-Ahman

I never knew Adam was a fellow countryman. I learned this information from my home teacher this evening. It piqued my interest, so when I questioned him about it and he didn't know the answer, I decided to investigate. He offered to get back to me, but I decided not to wait. 

First, I went to the church's website. I searched for garden of eden, garden of eden missouri, adam-blah blah blah. I'm thinking that this is some pretty serious information. I mean, DAMN!! Adam is real!?!? And he's American?!? This kind of information shouldn't be hidden amongst primary lessons and random conference talks, should it? After glossing over reading many (like 5) boring talks, I finally found something explicit about it in a New Era article from 2003. It confirmed what the Almighty google told me right off the bat (the first and only search). What's funny is that the thing I found so quickly that is straightforward, to the point, annotated, and uncluttered, is from an 'anti' website.

Loaded question alert!!!!!

Why is it so difficult to find information about churchy doctrinal things on their website? Is it just me?

Which one are you?

1. The kind you see/talk to sporadically and pick up right were you left off.
2. The kind you take in small doses.
3. The kind you spend tons of time talking and chillin' with and can't get enough of.
4. The kind you meet for coffee (or hot cocoa).
5. The kind you shop with.
6. The kind you are just like.
7. The kind you can't live without.
8. The kind you can't live with.
9. The kind you go dancing with.
10. The kind you trust with your most secretive secrets.
11. The kind you know better than to trust with your most secretive secrets.
12. The kind you count on to lift you up.
13. The kind you go out for drinks with.
14. The kind you swing on poles with. 
15. The kind you hate to see go.
16. The kind you hate to leave.
17. The kind you haven't talked to in too long.
18. The kind you miss like your left nut.

I have at least 18. How many do you have? Which one am I?

almost a mushroom print

I just read on facebook, "Talking at me through your posts doesn't count."

I agree somewhat. At least they're talking. That's better than the silent treatment.

I'm holding back. Waaaay back. Like way the fuck back in last place.

You know who you are. You're being hurtful. What are you trying to accomplish? You've already lost one friendship recently over circumstances I am still confused about, but can understand better now that I'm on the other end.

Maybe I'm giving you more reasons why you shouldn't talk to me anymore. Maybe that's exactly why you should.

So how much longer are you going to wait?

Underwear and the Mind

I've often thought that politicians have a raw deal. How many times during how many elections have you heard that Governor So-and-so has changed his mind about (fill in the blank) issue? Or that, Senator What's-his-face used to think (whothafuckcares) about (whatever), but feels differently now? It sucks for them that every decision they have made is documented. Every time they voted for something, it's recorded. So, if they change their mind about an issue, they are perceived to be dishonest and unreliable.

I think they are neither dishonest nor unreliable. I think they are just normal. Have you ever changed your mind? Have you ever thought one thing, only to discover upon further examination, that your way of thinking was either wrong or based on bad information? I know my opinions about many things have changed because I didn't know all of the facts in the first place. Once I learned more information, I was able to make a more informed opinion. Sometimes, that opinion changed. Sometimes it has stayed the same.

The problem arises when someone says something like, "No matter what you say, you couldn't possibly change my mind." Or, "I don't care what the evidence is, I won't listen to it, and if I do listen to it, I won't believe it." (fundamental much?)

I'm not saying it's a bad thing to make up your mind and to stick to it. No one wants to be thought of as wishy-washy. Most of the time, it's a good thing to have an opinion and stick to it. It's how we relate to other people. It's how we decide who we want to spend our time with. Of course, we want to be friends with people who share some of the same opinions. However, it's not bad if you respectfully disagree about things. I don't have the same opinions as all of my friends about everything. That would be boring. 

Now for the parable of the Apple Pie:

If I held the opinion that my apple pie recipe is the only true apple pie recipe and without following that recipe to the letter with no deviation or substitution, every apple pie that was made without my recipe would taste disgusting, and fall apart, and make you sick, and your family wouldn't respect and love you because of your nasty apple pie (giant exaggerated inhale), under what circumstances would it be acceptable for me or someone else to question that opinion? Would it be acceptable for someone to research apple pie techniques on the internet? Would it be acceptable to ask other apple pie aficionados? Do I have the right to label someone as 'anti-apple pie' just because they question my recipe? 

So, being the open-minded chef I am, I decide to try some internet person's apple pie recipe. Am I allowed to change my mind? What if the other recipe makes better sense? What if, after careful consideration and research, I decide that my recipe isn't the one true apple pie recipe? Can't I change my mind? Just because I reject my recipe as being the best, doesn't mean that if you still prefer my recipe over any other recipe, I reject you. We just have different ideas about what makes a good pie. I still respect your decision to make my recipe. 

Of course, I don't give a rat's ass which recipe you make. You could chose to make blueberry muffins instead. I don't care. Offer me one. I just might change my mind about apple pies.

IT'S APPLE TIME!!!!

I love apples. No, let me correct that statement. I love Fuji apples. They are the only ones I buy. When we pick apples, we only pick The Fuji. So, if any of you mofos have been lucky enough to get any apple anything from my family, know that it has been made with The Fuji. 

You all know that I am all about picking my own fruit. Early this summer, we picked tart cherries and blueberries. In July, we picked peaches and blackberries. We pick enough to freeze so we have it to last through the winter. Sometime during the next couple of weeks, Vivian and I will go to pick apples. I haven't ever tried it, but I don't think apples freeze well. They do, however, can fantastically. Last year, we were lazy and just made quarts upon quarts of apple pie filling and some applesauce. In previous years, we have made apple butter. This year, we are going to make apple butter out the ass! 

I just got finished making an apple pie. It's not just any 'ol apple pie, though. It's a caramel nut apple pie. I just concocted the recipe in my head. Lucky for you, I typed the recipe as I was creating it. Do you want it? Huh? Should I copy and paste it here for you? Hmmmmmmmm....... I don't know. You all know how much I hate doing that. Welllllll, OK. Here it is:

Filling: (measurements are approximate)

6 apples, peeled and sliced

½ cup butter, cut into cubes

Dash salt

1 tsp cinnamon

1 tsp nutmeg

½ cup flour

¾ cup brown sugar

1/3 cup chopped walnuts

1/3  cup caramel bits

Combine filling ingredients until well mixed. Set aside. If you're as awesome as me, these ingredients will get all slimy and caramelly and delicious as you get the crust ready. If it doesn't do this, don't despair. You just aren't as fabulous as me. Don't worry. I still like you. 

Crust: 

Double pie crust

¼ cup caramel bits

¼ cup chopped walnuts

Roll out half of pie crust. Put caramel and nuts in bottom of pie crust. Top with apple mixture, then other half of pie crust. Cut slits in top of crust. Bake in a 425 degree oven for one hour or until crust is brown and apples are tender. Cool for at least 3 hours. Serve warm with vanilla ice cream and more walnuts.

My pie is still in the oven. It's been in there for about 30 minutes so far, and smells good. It's getting a little brown on top, so I am going to cover it in about 10 more minutes. You might want to reduce the heat if you are using a glass pan. 

This pie is going to be my treat for going to hot yoga tonight. I love myself!

It's not that simple

If you don't like it, don't look.

That's what my momma told me. That was kinda her motto when I was growing up. If she wanted to wear a belly shirt, and her belly had scars from multiple surgeries, she didn't care. She wore it anyway. Fuck 'em. If 'they' didn't like it, then 'they' shouldn't look. 

Is this really good practical life advice? Should you not look at something just because you may not like it? Just because it might be uncomfortable? Remember last week's post about the recycled t-shirts? Gross. Sweat? Gross. You looked. You came back for more. You didn't like it. At least some of you didn't. How about the overall tone of my blog? Do you like it? If I had to describe it, I would say that it's me with my ass hanging out. That's actually how I described it to some people this weekend. They will check it out. They will decide if they like it or not. And if they don't like it? Will they keep looking? Maybe. 


It's not always bad to keep looking at something you don't like. Sometimes, it can teach you something about yourself. If you are honest with yourself and want to know the 'why' behind your dislike, you may discover that the reasons you initially disliked something aren't valid. If you can separate your viewpoint from the socially accepted norms, you might see that your lens (AKA-the 'right thing') is cloudy. You might even discover that once you take out your recycled t-shirt* and clean that lens, you see the world a whole different way. And what was once uncomfortable and offensive to look at, isn't really so disgusting. It might even change the way you think about everything. 


*The t-shirt in question is green. Green t-shirts are exclusively for cleaning glass. Nothing else. No shit, no snot, only glass. 

I am so excited to Wake Up! with John Legend

By a show of hands, who is familiar with John Legend? He is one of my favorites. I just bought his newest album, Wake Up!  The title song is going to be my theme song for the month of October. It's a remake of the original song by Harold Melvin and the Blue Notes. I love it. The original came out in 1975, the year I was born. Just so happens, my birthday is this month too.

This is an exciting time for me. I feel like I have awakened from a long sleep. I'm excited to participate in my life and in the lives of the people I love. My heart and mind are on the same page now. It's a wonderful feeling to let go of guilt and frustration and to stop "keeping up appearances".

You should try it.

food truck friday

There's a truck around here that sells delicious fresh Mexican food. Or so I've heard. I haven't had the best luck finding it until today.



Pupusas are like stuffed corn pancakes. They are usually stuffed with cheese, meat, beans or a combination of the three, and served with coleslaw on the side. There is usually a red sauce that goes with it, but these didn't come with that. I love the melty cheesy crust that it gets on the outside. I also think the coleslaw is delicious. It's not mayo based. It's vinegary and sweet. My two pupusas cost $4. I'll definitely go back sometime soon for the tacos. Who's coming with me?

So, no one has anything to say?

REEEEEALY?

Because I find it hard to believe that this 'friend' of mine is the only one who has thought this. I'm not asking you to 'out' yourself as an unbeliever. What I want to know is how you have dealt with your doubts. 

How have you handled/ how would you handle a similar situation if it was your spouse who was experiencing the same difficulties that my 'friend' is experiencing?

Is there anything wrong with having doubts and thinking critically? I don't mean criticizing and being mean. I mean asking questions and looking for answers? 

Why don't we talk about this more? 

Why can't we use what we have in common to discuss these things?

Don't you think that it could help reconcile our brains and our hearts? 

No more ass rags and sweat. 'Someone' wants to GTFO.

After the outcry against the disgusting bodily function posts, I thought I'd tone things down with a lighthearted post about 'someone' I know and his/her big time troubles with the Church.

Before you go and assume it's me, keep reading. It's not me mofos. I'm not saying that I'm going to be at church on Sunday either. I have yoga.

 I'm jussayin' that I'm not the 'I' in this post. I'm talking about 'someone' I know. Ok? I'm not ready to share with you people what I want to do or what I even believe anymore. It's a friggin' process, and I'm still going through it. 

So, enough about me. On to the 'guest' post.

I have a secret.  

I'm a calling-fulfilling, temple recommend-holding, highly active member of the LDS church, but I don't believe Joseph Smith was a prophet.  I never have.

I wanted to.  How I wanted to!  This church seemed so right, so perfect for me.  But there was something that always felt wrong about Joseph Smith to me. Luckily, I had the book of Alma in the Book of Mormon telling me that I didn't need perfect faith--only a desire to believe.  That was enough, and if the thing I desired to believe was a good and true thing, it would grow into a testimony.  So, I held onto that desire and hope for dear life.  For more than 15 years I have been trying follow the teachings of the prophets, while pushing to the recesses of my mind the nagging thought thatthat one prophet--the supposed most important one--was a fraud.

I did the things I was supposed to do to overcome my doubts and my seeming lack of faith. I read my scriptures, I prayed sincerely, I fasted, I went to the temple and sought some sort of answer.  It never came.

About a year ago I had the thought that maybe if I got to know Joseph Smith better, I would be able to gain a testimony of him.  We're taught to do that with Jesus, so why wouldn't it work for Joseph Smith?  And that's when the Pandora's Box of church history was opened.  All those years I'd just had a feeling that something was not right with Joseph Smith, but suddenly I was confronted with numerous pieces of evidence that my feeling was correct. So, I did what all good Mormons do when confronted with so-called facts that seem to go against what the church teaches--I read the apologists. I tried to find reasonable explanations for these things that I'd read about Joseph Smith.  Some of the alternate explanations were reasonable and I was able to accept them.  Some of them, I could not.  But I wasn't ready to leave.  I basically chose to ignore the questions and doubts I had and soldier on.  

But then as the past year has gone on, more and more questions have arisen.  More things about the church--things beyond Joseph Smith--have nagged at me.  These aren't things brought to my attention by "anti" sources.  These are things from the Ensign and other church publications.   Things from our church leaders.

And so, I have lost my faith.  Not in God.  Not in Christ.  But in the idea that this is Christ's restored church on Earth.  I do not believe it to be the case.  

I do believe that God has a hand in some of the things that happen in the LDS church. I think blessings that are given are very real and do work.  Not because the person giving it happens to hold the priesthood, but because usually the person giving it truly believes that he is following the one true church, and is trying to be Christ-like, and has faith that God will use him as a tool for the blessing.  A kind and loving God (which I do firmly believe in) would not deny such faith just because the founder of said church was a fraud.  I believe that often we do feel the Spirit in meetings.  Again, not because we have been given the gift of the Spirit by priesthood holders after our baptism, but because we have faith and are open to it, and because the basic principles taught by Christ are (in my opinion) true and therefore worthy of being testified to by the Spirit. 

I believe, for the most part, that the people in the LDS church are good and striving to do their best, and I like being among them for that.  

But there are enough things in the church that I believe to be not of God that I want out. 

I don't want to leave because I've been offended, or because I want to sin.  I didn't smoke, drink, take drugs or even drink coffee before I became a member.  Before I joined,  I'd had a grand total of one sexual partner, and it happened to be someone I was certain I would marry (though I did not).  I didn't cheat or steal.  I tried to be honest.  I served others when I could.  Really, with the exception of sustaining the church leaders, I probably could have passed the temple recommend interview with flying colors before I ever even knew what a Mormon was. 

So those are not the reasons I want to leave.  I want to leave because by staying, I'm pretending to be someone I'm not, and that wears on one's soul after awhile.

But then I look at my spouse, and I look at my children, and I wonder if I should stay for them.  I wonder what will happen when they know I've lost my faith.  I wonder if it makes me as big a fraud as I believe Joseph Smith to be if I let them continue on not knowing the things that I've come to know. I wonder if I could live with myself if I allow them to believe that some people are not as worthy in God's eyes due to things other than what's in their heart.  And then I wonder if it would make me a monster to shatter their happy oblivion.

And that wears on my soul, too. 

What's next?

Ever since Jesus attacked me the other day, I have been so curious about what the 'next blog' is. Saturday, it was photographers. Sunday, it was mostly foodies. I got a super yummy looking recipe for coconut banana bread with candied ginger on top. I can't wait to try that one. Today, it's paper crafters. Stamps and cards and shit (snore). 

I found an odd fucking blog on Sunday. This person reused old t-shirts. OK, there's  nothing wrong with that. I have used an old t-shirt for a spit rag, window cloth, shoe-shiner. There are many things one can do with  an old t-shirt.

Did you know that you can make your own ass rags with old t-shirts? Yeah! You can just cut them into squares or strips, and put them in a basket on the back of your toilet with a spray bottle. When you need to wipe yourself after le poo, just spray and wipe. I guess you should put a dirty basket somewhere close by so you don't end up re-using the same cloth. That could get gross. 

Also! You can make snot rags out of old t-shirts. Once again, make sure there exists the proper receptacle for the besnotted rags. The blog author was sure to point out that in her family, they use white rags for the snot, and dark colors for the bum. Good idea.

Ya know, because who wants to get an ass full of snot?

Hot and Sweaty

I'm not a sweater. I don't like sweat. I think sweaty bodies are disgusting. For me, there's no faster way to kill the mood during sex. Don't touch your sweaty body to mine. Yuck. I can just barely handle touching my own sweat. Thankfully for me, I don't sweat much. Not usually. 

Until last week. 

Monday, I started Bikram yoga. What the hell is that? It's yoga that you do in a hot motherfucking room. 104 degrees to be exact. You do a series of 26 different poses. This is unlike any yoga I've ever done. No sun salutations. No upward-facing dog. Not even a warrior. I hate it and love it at the same time. It's hard, hot, and drippy. The yoga. Get your mind out of the gutter. 

I bring a beach towel with me to put on top of my yoga mat. By the end of class, the towel is soaked. Completely. I'm still amazed at the amount of liquid that pours out of my pores each time I practice. I drink tons of water all the time outside of class just so I don't die. 

It's a good thing that I've gotten over my whole belly thing, because most people (myself included) only wear a sports bra and shorty short yoga shorts. My bikini time in Hawaii prepared me for Bikram. However, in Hawaii, I didn't bend forward and scrunch and squish my flabby belly and excess skin. I stood/sat up tall and sucked in all the time. I still have it sucked in, but there's so much twisting and bending and "look at your belly" and "tuck in your chin" and "touch your forehead to your knees" that no amount of sucking in will help. So, I've let it go. Had to. 

I've also gotten over touching sweaty bodies. At least mine. I am the only one I touch during class. But I'm not just touching my hand to my sweaty leg. That would be easy. NOOOOOO, I'm touching my face- my entire pretty little face- to my legs. My 'dripping with sweat so much that it's pooling at my toes' legs. Like, when I look at my knees because that's where they want me to look, and I see the sweat, I have to make a decision -  get the most out of the practice and do what they are telling me to do, or, hell no those are some sweaty-ass legs and there's no way my face is going to bathe in sweat. But I do. I touch my pretty little face to my sweaty-ass legs, and the sweat drips into my mouth. And I don't feel grossed out at all. I'm actually amazed that it doesn't taste gross and salty. I let myself rejoice in the amazingness of my body and allow the sweat to help me move into deeper postures. 

I'm four classes into my first month, and I am pretty sure that I'm going to have to keep going forever. Or at least until I get bored and find something else to do instead. 

Can someone please explain this to me?

For at least ten minutes, I clicked on the 'next blog' button on the upper-left corner of my screen. Why was every single one of them Christian themed? I just counted - 21 clicks = 21 Jesus blogs. WTF? At least two of them were Mormons. How could I tell from the first glance? 

1. The guy was living in Utah, and his name was Jarom. (why do people do that to their kids?)
2. The family of 20+ spanning multiple generations was wearing matching outfits and blogging about the baby's blessing. 

I was clicking on 'next blog' to find something trashy. Not Jesus-y. Why else would I be on the internet at 10:30 at night?

Caught up - III

Want to know what fucking sucks?

I had the entire third part of my post ready to publish. All I had to do was move one line to the end of the post, and it was done. Guess what I did? 

I DELETED THE WHOLE DAMNED THING!!!!!

Fuck it. Here's the summary:

• Mel was confused because I kept everything inside because I took the church too seriously and felt super guilty that I had let him down and therefore was a terrible and unworthy mother and wife.
• He was relieved when I finally broke down the truth to him.
• What started out as 'rebellion', has turned into an incredible spiritual and intellectual journey for me.
• Once you learn something, you can't unlearn it. And once it's substantiated with reliable sources and facts, you can't pretend it's not true. 
• It wasn't rebellion. 
• I'm not the only one in the world who is going through this. 
• Shit! I'm not special. 
• I might not be special, but I do have a good ass.