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Saturday, February 26, 2011

What's wrong with this picture?

It was windy on Friday. I don't know how windy because I don't have the technology available at my house to measure wind gusts. Let's just go with very.

I want you smart mofos to look at the picture below. 
Do you see anything wrong with the picture? Look harder. See it? Keeeeep lookin'. 

MmmmHmmmm....yep. Look at the left side of the picture. See how there's an empty space above where the cars are? Now look to the right. All the way to the right. See the trampoline? Yeah, the big motherfuckin' tramp? It's trying to escape. It's headed down the driveway. 
See? It didn't have much farther to go before it headed off across the street.

This is the same tramp that Mimi fell off of and broke her arm several weeks ago. She wasn't even jumping on it. She was trying to zip up the 'safety' net. I'm beginning to think that maybe she was thrown off. By a possessed demon tramp. And now it feels guilty for hurting a kid, and it's trying to run away. Don't run away silly tramp. 

We like jumping on you. Well, not we. They do. The kids. I don't like jumping on you because you make me piss my pants. EVERY TIME I JUMP ON YOU. Even when I take precautionary measures like peeing before I jump, I still pee. By the third jump, I have to get off and change my pants. My kids don't know this bit of information. They just think I am afraid of the tramp. I tell them I don't like to jump on it. I feel sad when I say that because it's a LIE. Who doesn't like jumping on a tramp? If it weren't for the pissing, I'd be on that bitch every day. 

Well, I guess my secret's out. Patricia reads this blog. Now she knows I'm a pisser. Please don't tell the other kids. Or I'll post a link to your awkward picture post on your FB wall. Mmmmkay?

Thursday, February 17, 2011

It's a hug!

I've been sick since Monday. Coughing, sniffling, and achy. Oh! How I ache! I can't drive because it hurts my hands to grip the steering wheel. I also can't focus on the road because focusing makes me want to close my eyes and sleep. My joints don't hurt too much as long as I stay on ibuprofen. I forgot to take it yesterday because I felt good when I woke up. By lunchtime, I was almost in tears because every joint in my body ached. 

Needless to say, I'm a pretty boring mom this week. Vivian and I were getting some snacks to take downstairs to eat while we waste hours on the couch, when I asked her to give me something. 

Puzzled, she asked, "What?" 
I promptly replied, "It's big, and warm, and-" 
"A HUG!! IT'S A HUG!!"
"Yes dear, it's a hug. That's what I'd like you to give me."
"You got it mom!"

And I mustered the energy to hold her in a full-body legs wrapped around me hug. She's the greatest!

Monday, February 14, 2011

What I found on my bathroom mirror this morning

He's so romantic.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Listen to the Bishop

Here's another excellent podcast from the mofos at Mormon Expression. Never listened before? It's ok. You won't catch cooties.

Know what's funny? I'm more interested in Mormon things now that I don't believe than I ever was as a believer. I think it's because of the insightful, thought-provoking discussions they have and the interesting people they interview.

Why are you still here? Get 'ta steppin'.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

watch what happens

I haven't been blogging much because I've been busy doing shit and going places and seeing shit. That, and, I need a new laptop because mine suddenly decided that it wasn't going to do the internet anymore.WTF?!? What good is a stupid computer if it doesn't DO the internet? So, I'm chained to the desktop that's in the middle of EVERYTHING so everyfuckinone in my family can see what I'm up to. I like to blog in secret, so I haven't had much opportunity. And it's cold in my house where the desktop it. You mofos know how I feel about being cold. 

But most of all, I haven't had much to say. I'm just plodding along in my life, doing things that bring me happiness, but aren't necessarily worth mentioning to all of you people.

Happy G-hog Day!