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Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Pretty Excellent

  • When I get random funny text messages from Brandi.
  • When Ariella comes over for a knitting date and brings food.
  • When Patricia wants to drive and Mel doesn't want to take her so she asks me to ask him to get stuff from the grocery store so she can drive because she knows he'll go if it's helpful to me. 
  • When a new recipe tastes even better than I imagined.
  • When an old standby recipe that has never actually been written down still tastes good.
  • When I get to connect with someone about something completely different from what initially connected us because of what she discovered about me on my blog. 
  • When my closet is cold enough to refrigerate my beers. (NOT awesome when I'm trying to get dressed)
  • When I wear my warm, soft hat all afternoon and into the evening. It's sooooooo warm.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Unexpected Surprise

I went to the thrifty store the other day and bought an adorable jacket. I washed it, of course. And dried it, of course. The bonus came when I took it out of the dryer and found a $20 bill. Basically, I earned $15 by buying the jacket. Totally worth it.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

I Need Love

Have you ever been looking forward to an event for a long time and you build it up in your mind until it becomes so great and fantastic and unbelievably wonderful and amazing, only to discover that it's not really all 'dat? 

Me neither

I am having the time of my life with all of my kids in school. It's like a party from 8:30 until 2:30(4:00)(4:30) every day around here. 


I'm bored as fuck. I have nothing to do. Well, that's not totally correct. I can clean my house, but I'm not into 12-step programs. I thought I would do yoga every day, but I can't make myself get to class. I'm too lazy to workout on my own. I'm not even wasting hours of my life away on Facebook anymore because I don't understand it.

i need a friend

I need someone who will drag me out of this funk I'm in. I've done it for you mofos. It's your turn. If you don't I'll just continue not eating and get skinnier and skinnier and skinnier. Remember? I lose my appetite when I'm depressed. I eat when I'm happy. Here's your chance to fatten me up. 

Friday, September 16, 2011

Sometimes the best ideas come from being an asshole

That's how about 39% of my great ideas start. I'm just sitting around being an asshole, and then POW!! A brilliant idea comes into existence. It's like the Big Bang theory, only different. 

I have some great ideas that come out of my benevolence and love for mankind. The sad truth is, they usually don't hold for too long. I'm not totally sure why. I probably should take that issue up with my therapist. 

How do YOU find your inspiration?

Monday, August 29, 2011

what is a blessing?

The east coast got hit by two natural disasters last week. Tuesday, Mimi's first day of school, it was an earthquake. It was the weirdest experience of my life. The whole earth shook. Literally. I felt like I was the only one standing still, and everything around me was moving. Because it was. Thankfully, no one was hurt (that I know of), and my children weren't scarred for life (at least not because of this experience). Were we blessed? 

The second event was 'The Hurricane of the Century'. OK, it was a strong storm. People died, and there was widespread destruction. But that didn't happen here in my area. Here's my two or three problems about my local situation: 1. Certain acquaintances of mine panicking about the imminent danger of a hurricane. Those same certain people cautioning about 'being prepared'. Those same people passing along panic  warnings admonitions to follow church leaders' counsel about EVERYTHING. They were obsessive and so eager to 'get' to use those 'skills' that they have prepared for. 2. Their dismissal of my advice about what they can expect as a result of the storm. Wind. Rain. Likely power outages. Your house isn't going to blow away. Your car isn't going to be washed down the river.  I grew up here. I have been through a couple of hurricanes. It's a lot of hype here. You'll be fine. Srsly. And 3. Their disappointment that the storm wasn't worse. That they only lost power for 20 minutes, if at all. That they hadn't gotten the opportunity to bust out their 72-hour kits. 4. They were so blessed. BARF! 

Ummmmmmm................told ya so?

What is a blessing anyway? I mean, really? Where do blessings come from? Who decides who gets blessed and who doesn't? Is it a lottery? Is there something a person can do in order to get blessings? Are there a finite number of blessings available to the world at any given time? Perhaps a triage of sorts? What is it called when people aren't 'blessed'? Cursed? Who deserves to be cursed?

Our house lost electricity for about 13 hours. I have friends who still have no power. Am I better? Or does someone just like me better? Or is it that I could only handle 13 hours and that's why I only had 13 hours without power? Does this blesser like me more than my friends or is it the other way around? Or does the blesser like the people who never lost power in the first place more because they weren't faced with any adversity? But doesn't the blesser give people adversity because he loves them? I'm confused. 

The other thing that gets me, is that no matter what the outcome, the message is the same. If nothing terrible happens, then it's a blessing. If something terrible happens, it's a blessing because we heeded the warnings and were prepared. We're so much better than everyone else because we are blessed.

P.S. - Two weeks ago, I discovered Sam Adam's Cherry Wheat. Now THAT'S a blessing. I think I'll go bless myself now. 

Friday, July 15, 2011

Why didn't I do this with the dog?

Several weeks ago, Mimi asked me about getting another pet. A gerbil. Or two. After I smacked her laughed, I told her no. Whine, whine, beg, beg, plead, plead, plead. Still no. Then genius hit me. I suggested that she ask one of her friends who owns a gerbil if they are going on vacation this summer and need a pet sitter. 

Last night, Mimi's friend dropped her gerbils off at our house for the next ten days. As I was clearing a space for them, I started thinking about how fucking genius I am. I mean, it's like we are borrowing her friend's pet. You can't just ask someone if you can borrow their pet so you can play with it for a week. People don't really  DO that. But that's exactly what we are doing. 

Then I realized what a fucking idiot I am for not thinking about this sooner. Like when we got our cat. Or our dog. Fuck! When we got our kids, for that matter. Why the hell didn't we borrow someone else's dog/cat/kids before we committed to taking them? Now that we have them, there's no going back. (not that we would if we could) (yeah, right) (not really) (ok, well, sometimes maybe)

But DAMN it's nice having a pet that the kids love and play with and take care for a week, and just when they start to lose interest we can give it back. Kind of the way grandparents must feel. Shit, I can't wait until I'm a grandparent. 

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Just in case you've missed it

On the off-chance you aren't my Facebook friend and haven't already been inundated with pictures of my sexy bald head, I thought I'd post it for you. My ego is already the size of Texas because of all of the compliments I've gotten so far, so don't feel compelled to tell me how beautiful I am. 
I'm the one on the left

And, if we aren't Facebook friends, why not? You must be pretty fantastic if you still read this blog, so why not take our relationship to the next level? Shoot me an email.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Happy Father's day

I don't have one of my own. That's ok. Don't be sad for me. 

What I do have is a great husband who is an even greater dad. 

I'm glad that my kids have something I never had.

I love him.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011


So, she wants me to go to the grocery store, but she doesn't want to go with me. She knows how much I loathe that place. Duh, if I enjoyed going there, we'd have groceries. And? Did I mention that she wants me to go NOW? Yeah, not when I finish what I'M doing. Now. Or like, in 15 minutes, K? Not K. 

"Can you make a list?"
"Will you plan out some meals to cook?"

I'm in the other room helping the younger girls clean their room. It's very muchly needed. Muchly. I'm getting tired of Vivian whining about cleaning up HER mess. I'm not whining. I'm cleaning a messy room that I only enter to tuck-in or read-to. Oh yeah, and I occasionally have the chance to vacuum in there. If the floor isn't covered in kidcrap. So, the last thing I need is to go run errands. I need to finish this task.

But I'm on the computer now. I've done a respectable amount of work in the girl's room (Is the apostrophe in the right place?). I'm taking a break now. To vent.

I have such a hard time getting tasks completed around here. My kids are to blame. No they're not. That's too easy. It's me. Distractions. Clutter. It's hard to focus on one task long enough to get it finished. If I shut everything out/don't talk to anyone/kick the kids out of the house/listen to the iPod/drink tons of caffeine/make the TV babysit the kids I can get it done. 

Thanks for still reading this blog. You mofos are great. I need to get off of here and crack some skulls the whip. 

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

So much fun for us

Yesterday, I spent $80 on a one-wheeled bike. I guess technically, it's not a BIke. Is it? inequity I guess it's more like a half-bike. But not really half, because it has pedals and handlebars. Only the handlebars aren't for steering. They are only for holding on. Do you have a good visual yet?


I wish I could have gotten a picture of us on it, because I'm pretty sure we looked AMAZING on it. 
Vivian and I.

I bought a tandem bike trailer. It attaches to my seat post. Two people riding a bike with three wheels. Shit. I guess that makes it a TRIke, huh? inequity? 

The awesome part wasn't how we looked. The awesome part was how we cooperated, learned, and trusted each other. That was the best part EVER! 

When we first started out, we were so wobbly. I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to handle the bike (trike) with both of us on it. I didn't feel very confident, and we only pushed along at 6 or so miles per hour. I'm not sure Viv wanted to go too fast either, because I think I did all the work. For the first half of our ride.

After we took a break and turned around, something clicked for us. We started off so smoothly, I almost forgot that we were connected. Before I knew it, we were speeding along at 13+ MPH. No wobbles. No shakes. No hesitation. She even 'made' me cruise so she could push us along. 

We only did 6 miles yesterday on the B&A trail. From one end to the other, it's 15.5 miles. I love riding my bike, and so does Viv. I'm pretty sure I know what we are going to be doing much more of. As I'm writing this, she's asking if we can go back today. I wouldn't be surprised if we biked from one end to the other and back this summer. 

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Turkey Sandwich

Lame. I know.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Rated R

Contrary to popular belief, an 'R' rating doesn't mean something is inappropriate, bad, or unsuitable. 

Though, I guess it depends who you ask.

Friday, April 22, 2011

No more procrastination

I don't know why I do it to myself. I can see how much coffee is left in the container. I can tell that it's running low. I know how much goes into the coffee maker to make the perfectly brewed two huge cups/three regular size cups of coffee. Yesterday, I knew that there wasn't enough in the container for today's coffee. So, why didn't I get more while I was out yesterday?

Is it because I like to live on the edge and scrape the last coffee grounds out of the cracks of the container in hopes of filling the basket with enough to make that perfect cup? No. It's not like 6 coffee grounds is going to make ANY difference.

Is it because I like to drink weak coffee? Because I don't. I'd rather drink nothing. Weak coffee makes me angry, enraged, offended. Why do I have such a strong reaction to weak coffee? I think I might need to explore this, perhaps with a therapist.

Maybe it's the lord's way of telling me not to drink coffee in the first place. Naaah, you mofos know I don't believe that shit. 

I guess it's because I'm a crazy procrastinator who really wants good, expensive, Ethiopian coffee and hasn't been to the fancy-schmansy coffee shop to get it. I guess today's the day. Because I'd rather HAVE coffee than NOT HAVE any. 

Monday, April 11, 2011

You know what it's like when you start to watch a show and you really like and then you find out that there's five seasons that you can watch all at once?

That's how I feel about my new favorite podcast, Skeptoid . There are over 250 episodes to listen to. I feel like I just hit the jackpot.

Have you ever listened to it? You should. Especially if you're one of those people who forwards emails about the newest computer virus that is threatening to destroy the earth,or if you forward those dumb chain letters that claim that Bill Gates is going to pay for your college education if you add your name to the bottom of the list and forward the message to 80 of your closest friends, or if you repost those stupid 'awareness' status messages on facebook. I could go on forever. You get the picture.

Skeptoid takes a critical look at everyday issues. The host, Brian Dunning, examines these things from a scientific point of view and explains to the average person (the non-scientist) how to evaluate the facts and determine for yourself if the claim is true or not.

I have only listened to the first 20 episodes. They are pretty short. Most of them are under 10 minutes. If you don't want to listen to it, you can read it on the website. I like his dry sense of humor, so I prefer to listen. Here are a few that I've enjoyed so far:

Wheatgrass Juice

Killing Bigfoot with Bad Science

Religion as a Moral Center

Cell Phones on Airplanes

What do you think about it?
What are YOU skeptical about?

Friday, April 8, 2011

She's 10

I now have three kids in double digits. Mimi, my sweet girl, is 10 today. Let me give you just one example of how special this kid is:

She has a child in her class who has autism. He is on a strict gluten/dairy/soy free diet. Whenever we volunteer to bring a snack for any classroom function, she always considers him. Today, instead of cupcakes, she chose to bring in a treat to celebrate her birthday that he can have also. She didn't want him to feel left out. 

She's always doing such thoughtful things for other people. I love her. 

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Have you ever eaten Ethiopian food before?

You already know who these people are. My boobs look pretty good in this picture, don't they?

My handsome brother and his beautiful girlfriend. We got her hooked on this delicious food.

Mel and I shared this huge plate of yummy food.


Wednesday, March 30, 2011

The Prodigal Child: Yes, you really can come back home.

For the past two years, I have been personal trainer to the stars. OK, maybe they aren't REAL stars, but they did come from L.A. And they were MY stars. I have been an excellent trainer for not-so-excellent pay. I didn't mind because:
  1. I was learning on the job and for a little while, I wasn't really that good.
  2. I loved it! 
  3. I loved the people I trained.
  4. I had great coworkers.
  5. I had complete schedule flexibility and autonomy.
I was pretty comfortable with my cheese. It tasted good, and was easy to find. On Monday, someone moved my cheese. Admittedly, the supply had started smelling weird. It was starting to spoil, and it didn't taste as good as it used to. As a result, I cut back my consumption of the L.A. Cheese. I shouldn't have been surprised when the Big Cheese boss over at L.A. Cheese told me that I was being cut. 

Over the past several weeks, I had been thinking about a different kind of cheese altogether. I even recommended this different brand of cheese to some of my fellow L.A. Cheese consumers. Today, I went back to the place that taught me to enjoy cheese, New Cheese. I have always had an affinity for this type of cheese. Even when I was getting my cheese at L.A. Cheese, I missed the cheesy times I had at New Cheese. The wonderful Cheese bosses over at New Cheese welcomed me back with open arms.

The best thing is that I am going to be getting MORE MONEY!!! Another best thing is that I am going to be working with one of my favorite people. Another best thing is that I have a place to train my old stars if they decide they don't want to keep going to L.A. Cheese. I hope to see my old stars at New Cheese. AND I will have new stars. I can't have too many stars in my life.

Monday, March 28, 2011

Who moved my 'got damn cheese?

A change is on the horizon. I only wish I was ahead of it instead of trying to figure out how to work around it. Dammit, change sucks when you're comfortable with the status quo. 

As Haw says, "Smell the cheese often, so you know when it's getting old." As I look back, I can see that the cheese was getting old. I can also see that piece by piece, it was getting smaller and less satisfying. It's time to look for the cheese somewhere else. It's time to let go of the old cheese and enjoy the taste of new cheese.

How is YOUR cheese holding up? What IS your 'cheese'?

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Takin' My Cookies Back

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

I text all amazed

Am I the last one to find out that you can send a text message to donate money to help with relief efforts in Japan? It's so easy. It takes a couple minutes, and the charges just show up on your cell phone bill. 
Everyone texts. At least, everyone I know. And if you don't, here's your chance to start.

So, here is your invitation to donate $10. Pick a charity

I'll wait a minute while you complete your transaction. 


Ok, that was easy, wasn't it? Now for the fun part. Leave a comment and let me know that you donated. Of course, I have no way to verify that you actually did it. You could be a big, fat, liar for all I know. But, I will randomly pick one person and give away a homemade knitted cotton market bag. 

Saturday, February 26, 2011

What's wrong with this picture?

It was windy on Friday. I don't know how windy because I don't have the technology available at my house to measure wind gusts. Let's just go with very.

I want you smart mofos to look at the picture below. 
Do you see anything wrong with the picture? Look harder. See it? Keeeeep lookin'. 

MmmmHmmmm....yep. Look at the left side of the picture. See how there's an empty space above where the cars are? Now look to the right. All the way to the right. See the trampoline? Yeah, the big motherfuckin' tramp? It's trying to escape. It's headed down the driveway. 
See? It didn't have much farther to go before it headed off across the street.

This is the same tramp that Mimi fell off of and broke her arm several weeks ago. She wasn't even jumping on it. She was trying to zip up the 'safety' net. I'm beginning to think that maybe she was thrown off. By a possessed demon tramp. And now it feels guilty for hurting a kid, and it's trying to run away. Don't run away silly tramp. 

We like jumping on you. Well, not we. They do. The kids. I don't like jumping on you because you make me piss my pants. EVERY TIME I JUMP ON YOU. Even when I take precautionary measures like peeing before I jump, I still pee. By the third jump, I have to get off and change my pants. My kids don't know this bit of information. They just think I am afraid of the tramp. I tell them I don't like to jump on it. I feel sad when I say that because it's a LIE. Who doesn't like jumping on a tramp? If it weren't for the pissing, I'd be on that bitch every day. 

Well, I guess my secret's out. Patricia reads this blog. Now she knows I'm a pisser. Please don't tell the other kids. Or I'll post a link to your awkward picture post on your FB wall. Mmmmkay?

Thursday, February 17, 2011

It's a hug!

I've been sick since Monday. Coughing, sniffling, and achy. Oh! How I ache! I can't drive because it hurts my hands to grip the steering wheel. I also can't focus on the road because focusing makes me want to close my eyes and sleep. My joints don't hurt too much as long as I stay on ibuprofen. I forgot to take it yesterday because I felt good when I woke up. By lunchtime, I was almost in tears because every joint in my body ached. 

Needless to say, I'm a pretty boring mom this week. Vivian and I were getting some snacks to take downstairs to eat while we waste hours on the couch, when I asked her to give me something. 

Puzzled, she asked, "What?" 
I promptly replied, "It's big, and warm, and-" 
"A HUG!! IT'S A HUG!!"
"Yes dear, it's a hug. That's what I'd like you to give me."
"You got it mom!"

And I mustered the energy to hold her in a full-body legs wrapped around me hug. She's the greatest!

Monday, February 14, 2011

What I found on my bathroom mirror this morning

He's so romantic.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Listen to the Bishop

Here's another excellent podcast from the mofos at Mormon Expression. Never listened before? It's ok. You won't catch cooties.

Know what's funny? I'm more interested in Mormon things now that I don't believe than I ever was as a believer. I think it's because of the insightful, thought-provoking discussions they have and the interesting people they interview.

Why are you still here? Get 'ta steppin'.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

watch what happens

I haven't been blogging much because I've been busy doing shit and going places and seeing shit. That, and, I need a new laptop because mine suddenly decided that it wasn't going to do the internet anymore.WTF?!? What good is a stupid computer if it doesn't DO the internet? So, I'm chained to the desktop that's in the middle of EVERYTHING so everyfuckinone in my family can see what I'm up to. I like to blog in secret, so I haven't had much opportunity. And it's cold in my house where the desktop it. You mofos know how I feel about being cold. 

But most of all, I haven't had much to say. I'm just plodding along in my life, doing things that bring me happiness, but aren't necessarily worth mentioning to all of you people.

Happy G-hog Day!

Monday, January 17, 2011

What a Shame

It's so bad, it's good? It has the potential to be a good show after the first few shock episodes are through. Anyone else have Showtime? Have you seen it? What do YOU think?

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Forget the plugs

After little bit of reflection, I decided that I acted hastily this morning by running out and buying $50 worth of cooter plugs. I returned all but one box. I'm taking the money and buying a diva cup. I'll let you know how it works in 26 days. 

Who Moved My Tampons?

I'm panicking a little bit. Last night, after some research I discovered that the one true tampon is no longer available. They say it's only temporary, but I don't 'truss it. I have noticed that for the past couple periods that I haven't been able to find the gigantic super plus monster tampons they sell. I didn't think too much about it because I had plenty. I only used those elephant 'pons on the first day or two when I was hemorrhaging. 

Two days ago, I used my last one. "No problema," I thought to myself. "I'll just get more today at the grocery store." I wasn't totally surprised that the commissary was completely out. They do that often. So, I went to Rite Aid last night. They only had regular 'pons. Checked Safeway. Same story. I was annoyed Actually, I was pissed. There are a few things you don't deny a woman while she's on the rag. Tampons is one of them. 

To top it all off, I had to deal with Vivian's shit (literally) when I got home. So, after the shit, I did a 'lil investigative journalism to get the lowdown on the mystery of the disappearing 'pons. 


And this

That's why I went back to Rite Aid today and did this:

I bought $47.94 worth of plugs. That's 240 little tubes of absorbent cotton with cute little greenish-blue strings. I HAVE A YEAR'S SUPPLY OF COOTER PLUGS!!!! Maybe even two years!! What a good Mormon I am! 

But they're just regular absorbency. Anyone wanna sell me a few ultras? 

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Another passive aggressive post from yours truly - updated

I am not the first one to complain about people on Facebook. I know I won't be the last one either. However, today, there are waaay too many infractions on there for me to NOT say something.

  1. Continuous prayer requests from the same person about the same thing with an at least three-times-a-day update about their situation. Ok. I get it- you and your family are sick. You got the flu/cold the other day. First it was one kid, next it was the entire family. Shit happens. People get sick. It's a virus. It must run its course. I'm sorry to be the one to break it to you, but no amount of prayers or pleads for prayers will help you. God has more important things to worry about like curing cancer. He doesn't have time to worry about you and your cold. 
  2. Twitter updates. I'm not just talking about the occasional, "OMG I just saw Justin Beiber at the mall!" That's fine. What I am talking about is a ton of broken, unintelligible spurts of random information that I can't understand that take up so much space on my news feed that I can't see anything else on the small screen of my iPhone but your stupid twitter updates. 
  3. Your entire agenda for the day. This is the attention seeking individual who overachieves and then brags about it constantly in order to boost her self esteem. Why do people play into it? People fail to realize that by commenting about how amazing they are or how they admire their ability to do so much, they are only encouraging more bad behavior. 
  4. Quotations by other people. Yeah, they are inspirational/witty, but that's all you have to say? Don't you have your own thoughts? I am your friend because I care what YOU have to say, not what some ancient philsopher, celebrity, or author has to say. 
  5.  ** Sports play by plays. Just watch the fuckin' game and get off the damn blackberry. No one really wants to see your commentary about a stupid football game. If I wanted to know what's going on, I'd be watching the game. I'm not and I don't. 
And yeah, I realize that my blog is little more than a glorified Facebook status. Whatever. Kiss my ass. 

Tuesday, January 4, 2011


Ya know when you watch a movie or tv show and there is a team of two or more people and the 'leader'* is very controlling and doesn't take the advice of the other people in the group, even if it's a good idea. But then the 'leader' ends up taking their advice, but only after he twists things around like it was his idea in the first place? 

I was thinking about that today as I was vacuuming my house. (I do my best thinking while vacuuming.) I came to the realization that the 'leader' does that because he doesn't respect the people on his team. He doesn't have the confidence in himself to say, "Great point. Let's do that." He feels that by recognizing the other members' contribution, he diminishes his position as the superior member in the group. What he doesn't realize is that he is doing just the opposite. By not acknowledging the valid points of the members, he just makes himself look silly and inferior. Especially when he is called out on it. 

My challenge to you is to be more humble. If someone does something well, tell them. If they do it better than you, tell them. If they have a good idea, tell them. If their idea is better than yours, make sure you let them know. It's by encouraging the people around us to be better that we become better. How else could I be as awesome as I am? I'm surrounded by people that are far more awesomer than myself.

*self-proclaimed leader

Saturday, January 1, 2011

I had to share this

I saw this guy tonight on HBO. Sorry Christians.