This post is brought to you by the letters 'M' and 'V'

When is the last time you received a letter in the mail? When was the last time you wrote one?

Yesterday, my fantastic Mimi got a letter in the mail from her best friend in the world. She was sick yesterday, so this handwritten letter was the perfect thing that she needed to make her feel better. As soon as she finished reading it, she set to work writing back.

It bothered me that she didn't know how to address the envelope. She didn't know where to put the stamp. Vivian wanted to play with the 'stickers'. I seldom write letters. Occasionally, I'll buy a funny card and write a note to a girlfriend. I never get mail unless it's a bill. Thats no fun.

As easy as it is to tap out an email, text, or post on facebook, it's that much harder to sit down for 15 minutes and write a letter. You have to find the envelopes. If you're lucky enough to have those, you might be able to mail your letter if you can afford a stamp. As expensive as a book of stamps is you'd better make sure that you really like the person that you're wasting that stamp on. Then the address. Who keeps an address book anymore? I either remember your address or I ask you for it when I need to send you something. It's such a process to go through just to make someone's day brighter. It's no wonder why people don't do it much anymore.

When was the last time you wrote a letter? Who wants to be my pen pal?

*I'm not right handed. The picture looked bad lefty. Not that there is anything wrong with lefties. I am one myself. It just didn't look right for the effect I was trying to achieve.

Yeah, yeah, yeah...

I know I said I'd be taking a break for a while. I lied. I had to show yous this super cute picture of Vivian chillin' in the sunroom this afternoon.

Time off for more bad behavior

I've been naughty, and I need to be spanked. Monique, are you up for the job? Just kidding.


I am taking a break for a little while though. I have a lot occupying my mind lately, and I don't want to share it with you mofos. If I keep blogging right now, I'm going to end up shitting all over myself, and I don't want to do that. When all of this drama (and you people KNOW how much I like drama...NOT) passes, I'll be back to my irreverent self. In the meantime, feel free to comment about how much you love me and think I'm fabulous and how if I didn't care then I wouldn't care so much, and all that shit. You know how to stroke me. Right? Oh. And the ass. Don't forget about the ass. 

Anyone want to guest blog? Email me. 

Coming Soon to a Blogger Near You!

I think that maybe instead of being a personal trainer, I might become a screenwriter. Here are a few movies I have in the works:

Stop Pissing On Me

A not-so-delightful tale of two women avoiding kinky sex acts

No Grudgemongering Here

Conservationism at its finest

Why You So Obsessed With Me?

I can see you while you're watching me

Which synopsis would you like to read first?

Just kickin' it

For those of you who don't know what Pandora is, you are missing out on the best thing in the world. You type an artist's name into the search box, and they play music that is similar to the type of music by that artist. You can give each song a thumbs up or down and it makes your radio station play only the music that you like. You don't have to register in order to play music, but if you register, then you already have your radio stations ready for the listening whenever you want to hear them. 

So, I'm listening to Jodeci radio right now. OH MY GOODNESS!!! I am in love all over again. It's so fun to listen to this music that I listened to in high school. I even remember all the words to all of the songs by Jodeci, Troop, Xscape, Guy, New Edition, Aaliyah- should I keep going? 

What's your favorite radio station? What songs take you back to the good 'ol days?

halfway to 70+1(day)

As Brandi pointed out yesterday, I'm halfway to 70 now. I guess she was trying to make me feel old or something. I don't. 35 is a cool age so far. I mean, I only have one day of experience with it, but so far it's cool.

I wanted to write the top 5 things I learned this year. I intended to be reflective and deep. You mofos know that I'm not that deep, and my favorite reflection is my own. Yeah.........so here goes:

1. I prefer red wine, dark beers, and strong coffee. So far, I haven't gotten into drugs, random sex with strangers, and cigarettes. I don't intend to. Don't worry.
2. Teenagers are nosy little fuckers.
3. Underwear is overrated.
4. I'm starting this new year of my life with one less friend. I wish I could say that I'm over it, but I'm not.
5. Fuck it.

Sunday in the Garden of Eden

Warning! This material might be considered irreverent and unholy. Proceed with caution! 

Adam-ondi-Ahman

I never knew Adam was a fellow countryman. I learned this information from my home teacher this evening. It piqued my interest, so when I questioned him about it and he didn't know the answer, I decided to investigate. He offered to get back to me, but I decided not to wait. 

First, I went to the church's website. I searched for garden of eden, garden of eden missouri, adam-blah blah blah. I'm thinking that this is some pretty serious information. I mean, DAMN!! Adam is real!?!? And he's American?!? This kind of information shouldn't be hidden amongst primary lessons and random conference talks, should it? After glossing over reading many (like 5) boring talks, I finally found something explicit about it in a New Era article from 2003. It confirmed what the Almighty google told me right off the bat (the first and only search). What's funny is that the thing I found so quickly that is straightforward, to the point, annotated, and uncluttered, is from an 'anti' website.

Loaded question alert!!!!!

Why is it so difficult to find information about churchy doctrinal things on their website? Is it just me?

Which one are you?

1. The kind you see/talk to sporadically and pick up right were you left off.
2. The kind you take in small doses.
3. The kind you spend tons of time talking and chillin' with and can't get enough of.
4. The kind you meet for coffee (or hot cocoa).
5. The kind you shop with.
6. The kind you are just like.
7. The kind you can't live without.
8. The kind you can't live with.
9. The kind you go dancing with.
10. The kind you trust with your most secretive secrets.
11. The kind you know better than to trust with your most secretive secrets.
12. The kind you count on to lift you up.
13. The kind you go out for drinks with.
14. The kind you swing on poles with. 
15. The kind you hate to see go.
16. The kind you hate to leave.
17. The kind you haven't talked to in too long.
18. The kind you miss like your left nut.

I have at least 18. How many do you have? Which one am I?

almost a mushroom print

I just read on facebook, "Talking at me through your posts doesn't count."

I agree somewhat. At least they're talking. That's better than the silent treatment.

I'm holding back. Waaaay back. Like way the fuck back in last place.

You know who you are. You're being hurtful. What are you trying to accomplish? You've already lost one friendship recently over circumstances I am still confused about, but can understand better now that I'm on the other end.

Maybe I'm giving you more reasons why you shouldn't talk to me anymore. Maybe that's exactly why you should.

So how much longer are you going to wait?

Underwear and the Mind

I've often thought that politicians have a raw deal. How many times during how many elections have you heard that Governor So-and-so has changed his mind about (fill in the blank) issue? Or that, Senator What's-his-face used to think (whothafuckcares) about (whatever), but feels differently now? It sucks for them that every decision they have made is documented. Every time they voted for something, it's recorded. So, if they change their mind about an issue, they are perceived to be dishonest and unreliable.

I think they are neither dishonest nor unreliable. I think they are just normal. Have you ever changed your mind? Have you ever thought one thing, only to discover upon further examination, that your way of thinking was either wrong or based on bad information? I know my opinions about many things have changed because I didn't know all of the facts in the first place. Once I learned more information, I was able to make a more informed opinion. Sometimes, that opinion changed. Sometimes it has stayed the same.

The problem arises when someone says something like, "No matter what you say, you couldn't possibly change my mind." Or, "I don't care what the evidence is, I won't listen to it, and if I do listen to it, I won't believe it." (fundamental much?)

I'm not saying it's a bad thing to make up your mind and to stick to it. No one wants to be thought of as wishy-washy. Most of the time, it's a good thing to have an opinion and stick to it. It's how we relate to other people. It's how we decide who we want to spend our time with. Of course, we want to be friends with people who share some of the same opinions. However, it's not bad if you respectfully disagree about things. I don't have the same opinions as all of my friends about everything. That would be boring. 

Now for the parable of the Apple Pie:

If I held the opinion that my apple pie recipe is the only true apple pie recipe and without following that recipe to the letter with no deviation or substitution, every apple pie that was made without my recipe would taste disgusting, and fall apart, and make you sick, and your family wouldn't respect and love you because of your nasty apple pie (giant exaggerated inhale), under what circumstances would it be acceptable for me or someone else to question that opinion? Would it be acceptable for someone to research apple pie techniques on the internet? Would it be acceptable to ask other apple pie aficionados? Do I have the right to label someone as 'anti-apple pie' just because they question my recipe? 

So, being the open-minded chef I am, I decide to try some internet person's apple pie recipe. Am I allowed to change my mind? What if the other recipe makes better sense? What if, after careful consideration and research, I decide that my recipe isn't the one true apple pie recipe? Can't I change my mind? Just because I reject my recipe as being the best, doesn't mean that if you still prefer my recipe over any other recipe, I reject you. We just have different ideas about what makes a good pie. I still respect your decision to make my recipe. 

Of course, I don't give a rat's ass which recipe you make. You could chose to make blueberry muffins instead. I don't care. Offer me one. I just might change my mind about apple pies.

IT'S APPLE TIME!!!!

I love apples. No, let me correct that statement. I love Fuji apples. They are the only ones I buy. When we pick apples, we only pick The Fuji. So, if any of you mofos have been lucky enough to get any apple anything from my family, know that it has been made with The Fuji. 

You all know that I am all about picking my own fruit. Early this summer, we picked tart cherries and blueberries. In July, we picked peaches and blackberries. We pick enough to freeze so we have it to last through the winter. Sometime during the next couple of weeks, Vivian and I will go to pick apples. I haven't ever tried it, but I don't think apples freeze well. They do, however, can fantastically. Last year, we were lazy and just made quarts upon quarts of apple pie filling and some applesauce. In previous years, we have made apple butter. This year, we are going to make apple butter out the ass! 

I just got finished making an apple pie. It's not just any 'ol apple pie, though. It's a caramel nut apple pie. I just concocted the recipe in my head. Lucky for you, I typed the recipe as I was creating it. Do you want it? Huh? Should I copy and paste it here for you? Hmmmmmmmm....... I don't know. You all know how much I hate doing that. Welllllll, OK. Here it is:

Filling: (measurements are approximate)

6 apples, peeled and sliced

½ cup butter, cut into cubes

Dash salt

1 tsp cinnamon

1 tsp nutmeg

½ cup flour

¾ cup brown sugar

1/3 cup chopped walnuts

1/3  cup caramel bits

Combine filling ingredients until well mixed. Set aside. If you're as awesome as me, these ingredients will get all slimy and caramelly and delicious as you get the crust ready. If it doesn't do this, don't despair. You just aren't as fabulous as me. Don't worry. I still like you. 

Crust: 

Double pie crust

¼ cup caramel bits

¼ cup chopped walnuts

Roll out half of pie crust. Put caramel and nuts in bottom of pie crust. Top with apple mixture, then other half of pie crust. Cut slits in top of crust. Bake in a 425 degree oven for one hour or until crust is brown and apples are tender. Cool for at least 3 hours. Serve warm with vanilla ice cream and more walnuts.

My pie is still in the oven. It's been in there for about 30 minutes so far, and smells good. It's getting a little brown on top, so I am going to cover it in about 10 more minutes. You might want to reduce the heat if you are using a glass pan. 

This pie is going to be my treat for going to hot yoga tonight. I love myself!

It's not that simple

If you don't like it, don't look.

That's what my momma told me. That was kinda her motto when I was growing up. If she wanted to wear a belly shirt, and her belly had scars from multiple surgeries, she didn't care. She wore it anyway. Fuck 'em. If 'they' didn't like it, then 'they' shouldn't look. 

Is this really good practical life advice? Should you not look at something just because you may not like it? Just because it might be uncomfortable? Remember last week's post about the recycled t-shirts? Gross. Sweat? Gross. You looked. You came back for more. You didn't like it. At least some of you didn't. How about the overall tone of my blog? Do you like it? If I had to describe it, I would say that it's me with my ass hanging out. That's actually how I described it to some people this weekend. They will check it out. They will decide if they like it or not. And if they don't like it? Will they keep looking? Maybe. 


It's not always bad to keep looking at something you don't like. Sometimes, it can teach you something about yourself. If you are honest with yourself and want to know the 'why' behind your dislike, you may discover that the reasons you initially disliked something aren't valid. If you can separate your viewpoint from the socially accepted norms, you might see that your lens (AKA-the 'right thing') is cloudy. You might even discover that once you take out your recycled t-shirt* and clean that lens, you see the world a whole different way. And what was once uncomfortable and offensive to look at, isn't really so disgusting. It might even change the way you think about everything. 


*The t-shirt in question is green. Green t-shirts are exclusively for cleaning glass. Nothing else. No shit, no snot, only glass. 

I am so excited to Wake Up! with John Legend

By a show of hands, who is familiar with John Legend? He is one of my favorites. I just bought his newest album, Wake Up!  The title song is going to be my theme song for the month of October. It's a remake of the original song by Harold Melvin and the Blue Notes. I love it. The original came out in 1975, the year I was born. Just so happens, my birthday is this month too.

This is an exciting time for me. I feel like I have awakened from a long sleep. I'm excited to participate in my life and in the lives of the people I love. My heart and mind are on the same page now. It's a wonderful feeling to let go of guilt and frustration and to stop "keeping up appearances".

You should try it.

food truck friday

There's a truck around here that sells delicious fresh Mexican food. Or so I've heard. I haven't had the best luck finding it until today.



Pupusas are like stuffed corn pancakes. They are usually stuffed with cheese, meat, beans or a combination of the three, and served with coleslaw on the side. There is usually a red sauce that goes with it, but these didn't come with that. I love the melty cheesy crust that it gets on the outside. I also think the coleslaw is delicious. It's not mayo based. It's vinegary and sweet. My two pupusas cost $4. I'll definitely go back sometime soon for the tacos. Who's coming with me?