Oh yeah, back to the shower. I decided to go because this girl is sweet. Not sweet in a fakey way, but in a sassy, honest, and nice way. She works with my husband and has known him for several years, and I have hung out with her a couple times. I mostly just wanted to see her because I haven't seen her since she found out she was preggie. I knew she would be a cute preggie, and I was right. She looked adorable.
So there we were, a group of women (and a couple men), sitting around at a baby shower. Take a wild guess what these ladies start talking about? BIRTH STORIES!!!
Now on to my point: Why do women feel like they need to out-bad each other's birth experiences?? I seriously hate when women who have experienced childbirth feel the need to tell a first time preggie/never been preggie woman how horrible it is. As if she's not already terrified of the unknown, you want to tell her that it is worse than she ever imagined it would be!!??!?
Instead of allowing it to continue, I promptly asserted,"This baby shower is a bad birth story free zone." My beautiful, clueless, scared, preggie friend looked me straight in the face and thanked me. The other women stopped. The party continued. A good time was had by all.
But why do women feel like this is ok? It's not helpful. It's our responsibility to offer encouragement. If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. These women need to feel empowered. They are already overwhelmed, they don't need to know about your episiotomy. As much as I'm so over babies, I love talking about positive birth experiences. It doesn't have to be scary, or tense, or unbearably painful. It doesn't have to be managed and controlled and regulated. God made us to have babies. If you want to talk to someone who will encourage you and help you feel like you can do it, talk to me!
I know that everyone's experiences are different. All four of mine were. I know that some people have risk factors that others don't. I respect your decisions to do what you feel is right for you and your baby. Just remember who your audience is when you are recounting your story about being in labor for 48 hours. K?
9 comments:
AMEN! to just about everything in there.
I like a select few babies. Well, really I'll play with any baby, but babysit a baby... I have to be a REALLY good friend to do that.
You can talk to me for awesomely positive birth stories too. I think the best thing someone told me before going into my first labor was that it was a natural process and to just let your body experience every part of it instead of trying to fight it. Of course it took until baby #4 to actually DO that, but what an amazing experience that was. I would totally do it again if another child didn't come with it. lol
I totally agree. (Although I love babies... toddlers not so much right now... especially the terrible 2's). First time mom's totally just need support, love, and to hear "you can do it". Because the first time around is scary and unfamiliar. It took me to my 4th to figure out how natural birthing is. Better late then never?
Sorry not to be in love with all the natural beauty of childbirth, but I'd rather know the ups and downs so I can be prepared. I think it's equally bad to NOT prepare someone that it can be tough, or that some babies cry a lot, or whatever. The point is that every experience is different - not every one is nasty, but not every one is easy-peesy, either. I think if you focus only on the negative - or only on the positive - you aren't doing a service to anyone. If a person is so emotionally fragile that they can't stand to hear a couple of gory stories, well, good luck to them raising a kid anyway.
Lydia, I totally agree with you that it is important to know the ups and downs. It's unfair to the new mom to pretend that everything is rosy and happy when we all know that just isn't the truth. But my problem is when women try to one-up one another with their stories of how terrible and painful their birth stories were. It's a baby shower. That's not the appropriate time to have that conversation. That's what girlfriends are for.
No one said anything about being emotionally fragile and not being able to handle things. But it's awkward and uncomfortable and overwhelming when 5 women are having a pissing contest about who had the hardest labor, when the focus should be on the mom-to-be.
I grew-up with my mother (duh) who nearly died during all 5 of her pregnancies. As it was only three kids made it and my sister nearly didn't. I was terrified of giving birth. Hearing other women's stories helped me have perspective and understanding of what to really expect. I guess after what my mom went through, even really bad stories seemed better.
As for why we do it...I think most women don't pay attention to their audience. I think every woman I meet anymore is a mom and has had a husband in the military.
I'm glad you stuck up for the girl though. If she's not looking for the nitty gritty stories then her shower is not the best time to throw them at her.
I have been to those baby showers where the discussion degrades into a competition to see who can one-up the last speaker's version of "The most traumatic birthing story ever!"
During the last one I attended a few years ago I sat back and watched what was clearly a competition while keeping my mouth shut. Fascinating. And quite disgusting (I did NOT need the prolapsed rectum visual!). But I couldn't help but reflect on the fact that these women were finding some strange validation of their importance when they had some drama to share. It was as if their lives were so caught up in their roles as mothers they did not have lives of their own. Does that make sense?
I have the same question you do. Why do some women do this?
What you say does make sense, kinda.
I think in some cases, yes, they are caught up in their roles as mothers. Those are also the women who have 'perfect' children, homes, marriages, etc. They are defined by everyone's perception of their perfect life.
I think that the women who do what I described in the blog are trying to assert their experience as the hardest so they can claim their title as the better woman. In my twisted mind, it's like guys whipping out their dicks and comparing them to see who has the biggest one. In both cases, it's stupid.
Yes, dicks. Excellent analogy!
In my mind's eye, I can still see those 3 generations of women defined by their "uteristic" capabilities: My clinically depressed mother who invents meaningless projects for herself to keep her busy, who told me not too long ago that now all her children are raised, her work is done and she could die at any time;
My sisters and SILs, many of whom suffer from depression; one has been hospitalized several times for anxiety; all of whom identify themselves with their husbands and children;
My nieces who are following in their mothers' footsteps and practically competing with each other to see who can pop out the most babies within the shortest period of time; of those who have chosen to identify themselves with "the divine role of motherhood," none of them have a college degree ...
Sad and tragic.
Some of my favorite people are women who have figured out how to be mom and self. They are both wonderful mothers to their children, and fantastic individuals. It's these people who have their own interests outside of being 'Mrs. so and so' or 'Suzie's mom', who are interesting and fun to be around.
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