After the outcry against the disgusting bodily function posts, I thought I'd tone things down with a lighthearted post about 'someone' I know and his/her big time troubles with the Church.
Before you go and assume it's me, keep reading. It's not me mofos. I'm not saying that I'm going to be at church on Sunday either. I have yoga.
I'm jussayin' that I'm not the 'I' in this post. I'm talking about 'someone' I know. Ok? I'm not ready to share with you people what I want to do or what I even believe anymore. It's a friggin' process, and I'm still going through it.
So, enough about me. On to the 'guest' post.
I have a secret. I'm a calling-fulfilling, temple recommend-holding, highly active member of the LDS church, but I don't believe Joseph Smith was a prophet. I never have.
I wanted to. How I wanted to! This church seemed so right, so perfect for me. But there was something that always felt wrong about Joseph Smith to me. Luckily, I had the book of Alma in the Book of Mormon telling me that I didn't need perfect faith--only a desire to believe. That was enough, and if the thing I desired to believe was a good and true thing, it would grow into a testimony. So, I held onto that desire and hope for dear life. For more than 15 years I have been trying follow the teachings of the prophets, while pushing to the recesses of my mind the nagging thought thatthat one prophet--the supposed most important one--was a fraud.
I did the things I was supposed to do to overcome my doubts and my seeming lack of faith. I read my scriptures, I prayed sincerely, I fasted, I went to the temple and sought some sort of answer. It never came.
About a year ago I had the thought that maybe if I got to know Joseph Smith better, I would be able to gain a testimony of him. We're taught to do that with Jesus, so why wouldn't it work for Joseph Smith? And that's when the Pandora's Box of church history was opened. All those years I'd just had a feeling that something was not right with Joseph Smith, but suddenly I was confronted with numerous pieces of evidence that my feeling was correct. So, I did what all good Mormons do when confronted with so-called facts that seem to go against what the church teaches--I read the apologists. I tried to find reasonable explanations for these things that I'd read about Joseph Smith. Some of the alternate explanations were reasonable and I was able to accept them. Some of them, I could not. But I wasn't ready to leave. I basically chose to ignore the questions and doubts I had and soldier on.
But then as the past year has gone on, more and more questions have arisen. More things about the church--things beyond Joseph Smith--have nagged at me. These aren't things brought to my attention by "anti" sources. These are things from the Ensign and other church publications. Things from our church leaders.
And so, I have lost my faith. Not in God. Not in Christ. But in the idea that this is Christ's restored church on Earth. I do not believe it to be the case.
I do believe that God has a hand in some of the things that happen in the LDS church. I think blessings that are given are very real and do work. Not because the person giving it happens to hold the priesthood, but because usually the person giving it truly believes that he is following the one true church, and is trying to be Christ-like, and has faith that God will use him as a tool for the blessing. A kind and loving God (which I do firmly believe in) would not deny such faith just because the founder of said church was a fraud. I believe that often we do feel the Spirit in meetings. Again, not because we have been given the gift of the Spirit by priesthood holders after our baptism, but because we have faith and are open to it, and because the basic principles taught by Christ are (in my opinion) true and therefore worthy of being testified to by the Spirit.
I believe, for the most part, that the people in the LDS church are good and striving to do their best, and I like being among them for that.
But there are enough things in the church that I believe to be not of God that I want out.
I don't want to leave because I've been offended, or because I want to sin. I didn't smoke, drink, take drugs or even drink coffee before I became a member. Before I joined, I'd had a grand total of one sexual partner, and it happened to be someone I was certain I would marry (though I did not). I didn't cheat or steal. I tried to be honest. I served others when I could. Really, with the exception of sustaining the church leaders, I probably could have passed the temple recommend interview with flying colors before I ever even knew what a Mormon was.
So those are not the reasons I want to leave. I want to leave because by staying, I'm pretending to be someone I'm not, and that wears on one's soul after awhile.
But then I look at my spouse, and I look at my children, and I wonder if I should stay for them. I wonder what will happen when they know I've lost my faith. I wonder if it makes me as big a fraud as I believe Joseph Smith to be if I let them continue on not knowing the things that I've come to know. I wonder if I could live with myself if I allow them to believe that some people are not as worthy in God's eyes due to things other than what's in their heart. And then I wonder if it would make me a monster to shatter their happy oblivion.
And that wears on my soul, too.
9 comments:
Living an honest life is not for cowards. And I don't believe being honest makes one a monster -- although that doesn't mean you won't be perceived as one.
Difficult choices ahead. I sincerely wish you the best in your journey, wherever it takes you.
I wasn't commenting only because I don't really have anything valuable to say. But hey, I'll say it anyway. :-)
I feel for you, I really do, and I know that your dilemma is all that more difficult because of your family, and not wanting to hurt them.
I guess the only thing I can think of is to turn the tables a bit and instead of talking about what you DON'T believe, talk about what you DO believe. Because I think it's more important that your children understand the truth of what you DO believe than what you don't. It seems lately I've seen a few people leave the church, and I can totally understand that - the Church has some tough principles to swallow, and intelligent people on both sides of the issue can argue logically about it. So it doesn't worry me that they leave the church. It just worries me that they focus so much on GIVING AWAY something and not enough on what they want to KEEP. Does that make sense? Like, if you leave the Church, do you want to go to another church? Do you want to stay away from churches altogether? Do you want your children to grow up with a faith? If so, what faith? I guess if I were in your position, that's what I'd be focusing on - the "what I do believe" and the "what I want out of my spiritual life" and not the "what I don't believe." Does that help? Is it total BS? Oh well, I tried at least!
No, it's not BS. Thanks for the point of view.
Acknowledging what you do believe is good. But what if it's not enough to keep you coming back? I know that for myself, that's not enough. I also know that I don't quite know what I do believe.
The thing I dislike about Joseph Smith is how sometimes members of the church focus on him more than the Savior. Other than that I've got no beef with him.
But on to your doubt, I can't help much there. I'm not much of a doubting type. I'm not saying that to, I don't know, brag or whatever. It's not necessarily a good or bad thing. It just is. I'm a very appeasing personality. I don't like to make waves. For better or worse, this is true about my religious views too. I don't like to focus on things that I'm beginning to question or doubt. I just tell myself that God knows what he's doing, and I'll find out what's up with ________ in the afterlife. I know that's a lot like a little kid clapping their hands over their ears and saying "Lalalalala! I'm not listening!!" But I am what I am.
Sorry, this probably doesn't help you at all. Your dilemma just got me thinking. I think you're very brave to confront your doubts. Perhaps that's why I don't; because I'm afraid of where they'll take me. But no, as I sit here typing this, I still feel belief inside me. I still know it's all true -despite my doubts. Can you still believe and doubt at the same time? Hm. I suppose what I really doubt is my own ability to comprehend God's vision. Who am I to question the Creator of the universe? Who am I to say, "Listen here God, your prophet said x back in '83 but another one said y in '09. It's inconsistent!" Maybe it's just doesn't make sense to me. I don't have a complete view of the whole span of history and all human life on Earth after all. Hell, maybe He puts inconsistencies there on purpose, to test our faith. I dunno. This is really just me thinking out loud, so to speak. I don't mean to sound preachy or anything. Remember? I'm non-confrontational? So I'm incapable of being preachy. Cuz that might offend someone.
Sorry again for my lack of help and insight. I wish I could say "I had that exact same problem and this is what I did about it!"
Have you tried asking Heavenly Father what you should do? If it truly isn't the true Church, does He want you to stop going? Is there a true church out there? Or is it like my sister says: There's a field, and there's a million artist's renditions of the field. Non of the renditions are 'wrong', they're just how the artist interprets what they see.
Sara,
For some reason this comment got tagged as spam.
Thanks for your opinions.
Wow. I haven't been checking out my reader in a LONG and boy has something changed. There are a lot of posts I could comment on, but I chose this one as the fitting one that will respond to all others. I don't judge you for leaving the church (or wanting to the leave the church), but feel compelled to respond to these "reasons".
I'm a convert to the church. I've been baptized a total seven times in my life into different religions in search of truth and spirit prior to joining this church.
I find your findings amusing and appalling at the same time. First of all, you say that you are a temple-recommend holder then go on to say that you lied to obtain it. You should NOT be a temple recommend holder because you are dishonest to your fellow man. You talk about being a believer in Christ, but then go against His teaching of integrity - regardless of your beliefs of the temple and Joseph Smith. It's a basic biblical tenant. Maybe the problem isn't that you aren't really Mormon, but that you aren't really a Christian at all. You have violated one of the most sacred tenants of our church - the temple. Then, to make yourself perhaps feel better, you make a veiled accusation against me and other worthy temple-recommend holding priesthood bearers with this in talking about blessings:
Not because the person giving it happens to hold the priesthood, but because usually the person giving it truly believes that he is following the one true church, and is trying to be Christ-like, and has faith that God will use him as a tool for the blessing. A kind and loving God (which I do firmly believe in) would not deny such faith just because the founder of said church was a fraud.
This is a false argument. Before I joined this church, I tried being Christ-like but never had the power or authority to perform these miracles. By your logic, the idiots of Westboro Baptist Church that protest Soldiers' funerals and deaths can heal because they believe themselves to be Christlike and doing God's work. Muslims feel the same way when they fly airplanes into buildings and behead those they disagree with.
By your logic, a kind and loving God would also not allow ANYONE to join the wrong church, die of cancer, lose a son in combat, or even allow for drugs that cause addiction, pain, and sadness.
Finally, you say that "there was something that always felt wrong about Joseph Smith" but don't bother to bring up what that is. You say Joseph Smith was a "fraud" and don't provide examples of how. Just a bunch of stuff about some mysterious "Pandora's Box of church history" that we're supposed to just know about. You have "numerous pieces of evidence" and don't lay them out. This entire post is just conjecture and a bid for pity. Some explanations you couldn't accept, but the reader is left wondering what the heck you're even talking about. You say more questions have arisen from things our Church leaders have said and yet no quotes from them to bring the reader into your thought process.
You haven't lost your faith. You never had it, it sounds to me.
CJ,
First off, you probably ought to know that you and I are friends. Not that that makes a difference, but I wanted you to know that even though you don't know who is posting this, you do know me. You are someone I respect.
First, I have not attended the temple since I decided the church isn't true, nor would I. But because recommends are good for two years, I am a recommend holder. And when I got that recommend, I was worthy to have it. I even mentioned some of the questions I was having DURING the interview, and was still given the recommend. I said that I was a recommend holder because a lot of people have an idea in their head of what an "apostate" is, and I was trying to show that we are not always what one imagines.
As for your priesthood argument, I don't even know where to begin. There have been many good and Christlike people in this world who have performed miracles who did not hold the priesthood.
Miracles, even ones performed by priesthood holders, are contingent on the faith of the one receiving it. Again, God will not withhold a blessing because the person giving the blessing doesn't hold the priesthood. There was even a conference talk last April (I think it was conference. It may have just been an Ensign article, I can't remember for sure). Anyway, the gist of it was that a young man wanted a blessing before he joined the military and asked an apostle. The apostle told him he needed to let his father do it. It was fairly clear from the story that the father was not a priesthood holder, yet here was an apostle stating that the blessing should come from the father. So clearly blessings can come from non priesthood holders, even according to leaders of the church.
As for why I didn't go into specifics with the things I've come to learn--it's not my intention to cause anyone else to leave the church. It wasn't my intention to list all the wrongs and inconsistencies and evidence I have found.
I am simply in a place in life right now where I cannot be public with this. My husband will deploy in the near future, and it would be selfish and unfair of me to dump this on him right now, and then send him off to deal with it.
Marianne was kind enough to offer me a place where I could put my feelings in writing, because I've been keeping them bottled up for very long time. That's all. I wasn't writing to convince anyone of anything. I know what *I* know, and I don't feel the need to take others with me. My life would be far less complicated if I hadn't researched or questioned. I don't feel the need to cause the same questions for others. Ignorance really IS bliss.
One other thing, I wasn't specific about what always felt wrong about Joseph Smith because there was nothing specific. It was always just a dark, uneasy feeling. I never felt anything that I could describe as uplifting when I thought of him or learned about him (even from church lessons). I watched Legacy in Temple Square, and rather than feeling a great love for him, I felt creeped out by it, and that was years and years before I ever really questioned anything.
I just want to reiterate that I love the members of the church. I don't hate the church. I DO believe in God, and I DO believe in Christ. And I DO very firmly believe that people who are not members of the church can be, and ARE good Christians. Simply because YOU could not be, doesn't mean no one can. The LDS church doesn't corner the market on goodness and Christlike people.
Thanks for clarifying that about the recommend. That was truly my main hangup and I take back my comment in that respect.
When one says they do not believe that Joseph Smith was a prophet, there is nothing else about the church that can be believed. He is the one that God chose as the vehicle to make it all possible. If one doesn't believe in Joseph Smith and would call him a fraud, then every prophet since would also be a fraud. Every single one is a personal witness of Christ and this church and therefore they must all be frauds, by the logic. Young Women/Men is a fraud. Eternal marriage. The sacrament. All of it.
I agree with your last paragraph and will also say that there are TERRIBLE people in this church as well. There are people for whom I'm sure a vile death and eternity is waiting. They make life difficult for many people struggling to find their way in life and gain that same testimony. Not everyone has it immediately. Not everyone has it before they die. That's why we lean so heavily on faith, like the rest of the Christian world.
It saddens me to see so many of the people I call friends feeling like this isn't the right path. My best friend from when I was stationed in California left the church years ago and has done everything in his power to attack the church since. In reality, he was suffering from a terrible divorce and blamed the church, in my opinion, since he was a return missionary and we were home teachers together.
I respect your decision, though disagree with it. I hope you find the happiness that you think can be found outside the church. I just feel that if you really continue to pray about it, you'll come to a different conclusion. However, you have to stop lying to your family and be honest with them - at least your husband.
What I mean by my last comment is that you need to confide in him that you are having doubts. It would be unfair to him to one day just say "I don't believe in the church." Let him be a part of your decision and feelings.
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